Just Smile
by KupKakes09
Summary: Leah's finally starting to get over Sam, her life was starting to get easier. But then, something changes, something that means she'll never really be free of him.
1. Something to remember me by

**A/N--This story is being wrote for Mediate89 as a big thank you for betaing all my stories, and putting up with my ramblings from night to night. The plot belongs to her, Im just piecing this together. With that said, theres probably mistakes in this, but icant very well ask my beta to beta her own story lol. **

disclaimer--- I dont own twilight or its characters

Chapter one-- Accidents Will Happen

It was a Saturday morning, the sun was shining which was rare for La Push. I was walking down the sidewalk with my friend Erika, we were walking down to the small store not far from my house. "Nervous?" Erika asked me with a small smile on her tanned face.

I nodded, crossing my arms over myself, holding my sides as we walked. I was nervous. I was terrified, and I was nauseous. We were walking to the store for a reason. A reason I hoped didn't get back to my parents once we bought what I needed. I let out a sigh as we neared, I was half ways hoping that it would be closed for some reason. No such luck though. I pushed the door to the store open smiling at Mrs. Call as I walked past her to the back.

Erika followed after me looking sheepish as we stood in the last aisle. "Which one?" she asked me in a whisper.

"Like I've bought so many of these" I snapped at her

The rows of pregnancy tests stood in front of us, pink boxes, blue boxes, white boxes. "I cant believe I'm actually here doing this." I said with a scowl. I

hated the idea of being pregnant. Ugh… pregnant by my stupid ex boyfriend at that. He'd broken up with me a week age. This was the first time I'd left the house since that night. I'd only left now because I didn't want Erika to have to do this for me. This was excruciating enough without getting her into trouble too.

"Get this one. And get another one just so you have a second opinion" Erika instructed grabbing two of the tests of the shelf. She looked down at the boxes frowning.

I grabbed them from her "Let's get this over with." I said with a sigh as I went up front to pay. I set my face into a straight mask, daring Mrs. Call to say anything to me as she rang up the tests with a slight frown for me. I shoved a twenty at her and rushed out of the store as quickly as I could.

"Come on, if we hurry my mom will still be at work." I told Erika as we hurried back down the street.

"So do you like… feel pregnant?" Erika asked looking pointedly at my stomach.

I shrugged "Not pregnant. Just.. Awful. I'm tired and I feel strange." That could be from crying my eyes out every day for a week straight though. Sam had torn my heart out, and stomped on it. I couldn't even eat anything without feeling sick from it. The mention of him made my stomach churn. I loved Sam more than anything in the world and he'd left me after all the promises he'd made to me. He'd broke every last one of them.

Erika blew up, making her bangs puff up "Maybe its just nerves or something too. From well.. Everything." she said tugging on the hem of her bright pink tank top.

"I hope that's it. I mean… Obviously Sam doesn't give a damn about me anymore, so why would he care if I got pregnant?" I said knowing it wasn't true. Sam would care. Sam wasn't completely heartless and one thing he'd always expressed was wanting a family after we got married. Now the marriage we'd planned would never happen. Not for me anyways. Sam would marry my cousin, Emily. I held back a laugh as I thought of it. It might have been bitchy of me, and plain wrong and hateful, but I couldn't help but think she got what she deserved.

Emily' had been out in the woods with Sam, doing God knows what when she got attacked by a bear or something. It'd marred half of her face, leaving stitches all down the right side of the body. I saw it as justice for what she'd done to me. Karma even. My cousin had been wrong to steal my Sam from me. My sister almost. "Your bathroom?" Erika asked as we went inside the house.

I nodded and followed her down the hallway to the small bathroom. Once we were inside I shut the door and pulled one of the tests out and handed her the other one. "Ok.. It says to just pee on here and time it for six minutes." I read aloud looking at the stick and the cup in my hands.

Erika looked at the one in her hands "Same thing here, only time it for twelve." she said laying it down and looking at me with a worried expression in her dark eyes "I'll wait in your room for you."

I nodded and moved so she could get out of the small bathroom and shut the door behind her trying to brace myself as I followed the steps slowly. I sat on the edge of the bath tub for a moment, thinking on all of this. I couldn't be pregnant. I didn't want a baby. It was bad enough I was in a deep depression already, the last thing I needed was to find out I was pregnant. It would be like a sick joke or something. More like the universe had decided it was "Hate Leah" month or something. Apparently Sam did. And Emily.

I still remembered clearly the night he'd did it. Sam looked like he was honestly hating to break up with me, but he kept saying he had to. That he couldn't love me the same anymore now that he'd met Emily. I regretted the day I'd introduced them on the beach. It was at my birthday party at that. What a great present. I moved the thoughts of the break up from my mind, it was too painful to relive right now. I looked at the thin silver watch on my wrist. Three more minutes to go. Three minutes and my future was decided for me.

Three minutes and I'd know if my nausea and tiredness was from a possible baby or a possible breakdown. I heard a soft knock on the door and reached up and opened it up letting Erika back in. She gave me a nervous smile as she sat down. "So um…. How much longer?" she asked looking at the test. I'd placed it face down, so I'd have to pick it up to see the results.

"One minute." I replied running a hand through my long dark hair nervously. I hadn't bothered fixing it. It just hung in long pieces down my back now. I hadn't even changed into actual clothes before we left. I'd just put on a pair of yoga pants and a t-shirt. I knew my dark skin was pale. I had circles under my red eyes, and I could really use a manicure. My nails were chewed up and bitten to the quick from my nerves.

Erika looked back at the test "I think its ready" she said softly reaching over and passing it to me. "You have to know sometime." she said trying to make me feel better about looking.

I took a deep breath, calming myself for the worst as I slowly turned the stick over. A big pink + sign was staring back at me. Positive meant positively pregnant. I felt the tears well up and spill over as it sunk in. I was pregnant. I was pregnant with a baby. A baby I didn't want and despised. Erika's arms wrapped around me, hugging me tightly "Shh. It'll be okay. I don't know.. Maybe Sam will want you back now." She was trying to reassure me, but it only made it worse. More sobs shook me as I thought of Sam and having to tell him.

"Maybe I should go. I think I'm making this worse." she said standing up. I didn't stop her as she opened the bathroom door "I'll call and check on you later ok? Don't freak out Lee."

I waved her off, not wanting to even try to form a sentence right now. My life was ending. I was pregnant and I was stuck this way. Abortion wasn't even an option. I didn't have any money and my mom wouldn't allow it anyways. Adoption would be off limits too. My parents were on a big "Quileute blood kick" lately. I slid off the edge of the tub as I cried, letting it all out again. Letting all the wounds open to bleed another time.

I lost track of how long I sat there crying and panicking. My breath kept coming in gasps, and heaves. I gasped trying to suck in more air as I felt a panic attack coming on. I leaned over the toilet in case I got sick as I tried to calm down. I was turning blotchy on my dark skin from freaking out so bad. The door pushed open behind me "You ok Leah?" I heard Seth say behind me.

I took a shaky breath, knowing I couldn't answer him. His worried caramel colored eyes looked at me "Leah?" he asked bending down beside me. I shook my head at him, tears falling. I didn't deserve my little brothers kindness right now. I wasn't good for anything. "Leah?" Seth asked again, frowning. He started to sit down, his foot kicking the pregnancy test. He looked at it and realization dawned onto his facial expression.

Seth's eyes met mine, asking with them. I nodded slowly and for the first time since Sam had broke up, I let someone besides Erika hug me. I wrapped my arms around my little brother as I cried into his shirt. I felt his hands rub my back soothingly "Leah.. It's okay. Calm down" he said softly. He reached over and shut the door to the bathroom. "You'll be fine, calm down and you can go tell mom. She'll know what to do and--"

I cut him off with a shaky voice "No! Don't tell mom!" I said quickly. I didn't want anyone to know about this abomination.

"But you have to tell her. You cant stay in the bathroom for the next 9 months" Seth protested.

I pulled away from our hug and gave him a dirty look "7 months. The next 7 months" I said swallowing hard as I thought on it. I knew exactly when I'd gotten pregnant. We'd been on the beach, hanging out alone and things had gotten carried away. Neither of us had planned on doing anything that night, so neither of us had brought any protection. We didn't think one time would matter. I could kill myself for thinking that now. Now that I was pregnant with a baby I didn't like.

Seth scowled at me this time "Its Sam isn't it? I could kill him. He should have known better. Why didn't you guys like…. Be careful?" he said a flush rising to his face.

"Seth!" I snapped at him. I wasn't about to go into detail with my baby brother about the heat of the moment. "Just promise you wont tell anyone?" I said wiping a few stray tears.

He sighed and rubbed the back of his neck, looking torn. Seth never lied. He was an honestly good person. I knew I was asking a lot of him right now. "Fine. But only if you promise to tell them soon ok? Mom's a nurse. She'll notice when you start getting sick and getting fatter."

I hugged him again, "Thanks Seth. You're the best brother I could ask for." I said softly "I'll tell them soon. I just need to figure this out."

Seth nodded and looked at me "So um… you're not going to do anything stupid are you?" he asked finally.

I looked away from his gaze as I got up from the floor "No" I said gathering all the boxes and evidence to hide in the trash can.

Seth put a hand on my arm lightly "Leah, promise me?" he said "I mean… that's my niece or nephew even if it is from that jerk Uley."

"I cant" I said softly, I turned to move past him and sighed when he blocked the door. Seth was bigger than me. He was taller, and broader. "Move Seth."

Seth gave a look "If you cant make a promise, then neither can I"

I glared at him angrily "Fine. Have it your way." I snapped and pushed on his chest "now get out of my way"

Seth moved to the side, letting me squeeze past him. I went to the kitchen and shoved the plastic bag in the trash can, pushing it down as far as it could go. I looked up at the clock it was almost 6. I had a few minutes to get to my room and hide before everyone got home. I couldn't face anyone right now. Especially not my mom. I grabbed a pack of crackers and a bottle of water and took off down the short hallway and closed myself up in my room. I crawled into my bed, it'd been my sanctuary lately. The only place I could be myself and not feel like a cry baby.

I laid there in the bed, not getting up to turn any lights on as it started to get darker out. I pulled the quilt closer around myself, letting my mind focus on everything. I was pregnant and alone. I was pregnant by the one person in this world I loved more than anything and he didn't love me back. I didn't think being pregnant would change that either. I didn't want being pregnant by Sam to be the only reason he came back to me. Being pregnant would probably just make him resent me even more actually. It would put a tarnish on his relationship with Emily.

I'd thought I'd finally be okay after crying my eyes out over Sam last night. Only to wake up and realize I was pregnant. Now I would never get over Sam, not if I had his baby. Unless I didn't have his baby. I didn't have to have this baby. It was still early enough to get rid of it. I thought on it, it would be better to get rid of the baby I didn't want than to raise it and resent it forever. I felt my eyes tearing up again as I thought of Sam standing there with Emily holding our baby. I let the tears fall down my cheeks, I didn't bother to reach up and wipe them away as I laid there, crying myself to sleep in the next hour.

**************************************************************************************

I woke up groggily, there were a few beams of sunlight coming through my window. I groaned as I rolled over on my side to look at the clock it was only seven in the morning. I laid there, feeling tired still as I sat up slowly. It was way too early to be up. My eyes felt puffy from all the crying I'd done. I rubbed them, trying to get myself a bit more awake.

The upside of this pregnancy was that it helped me sleep as much as I wanted to apparently. That meant less time awake to wallow in pity and shame. I started to crawl out of the bed when I felt the sickness rise in my throat and bolted across the hall to the bathroom. I didn't even bother to shut the door as I barely made it there in time. I stayed on my knees for a few minutes, making sure I wasn't about to be sick again before I got shakily from the floor to brush my teeth.

I left the bathroom quietly, hoping no one had heard me. As soon as I rounded the corner I smelled the fresh scent of coffee. "Are you feeling ok honey?" My mom asked me from the table where she was reading the paper.

I shrugged as I reached up into the cabinet for a coffee mug "Sure I'm just knocked up mom." I turned around, looking at her for her reaction.

My mom stared at me blankly "Excuse me?" she said looking like she couldn't believe it.

I rolled my eyes as I poured coffee into my cup and took a gulp of it, black, just like my heart was. "I said I'm pregnant."

My mom sputtered, setting her cup back down and fixing me with a look "Pregnant?" she said slowly looking bewildered at the thought.

I nodded and sat down across form her, deciding to get it all over with. I couldn't hide anything if I was going to be sick like that all the time. "Yes mom. I'm pregnant. As in I have a bastard child growing inside of me."

Mom shot me a dirty look then "Leah, don't say that. Are you sure you're pregnant though? It might just be from all the stress you're under, all the crying, and things."

"I'm sure. I took two tests yesterday. They both said positive." I felt the tears in my eyes well up again. Dammit, why did being pregnant mean I had to cry so much?

She reached across the table for my hand "Is it Sam sweetie?" she asked softly.

I let a single tear drop before I nodded once. "Who else could it be?" I whispered to her, losing my attitude.

"Oh, Leah." she said softly getting up to hug me. I let her wrap her arms around me before I said quietly "I don't want it mom. I don't want his baby."

She rubbed my back soothingly before she pulled back looking like she was fighting back tears herself "Shhh Lee…. This is your baby too, not just Sam's. You might decide you want to keep the baby after you have it."

I wiped my cheeks with the back of my hand "I cant keep it. I cant keep this baby and have to see it everyday and know its Sam's baby. I was finally starting to feel better about everything and then this happened."

My mom hugged me again "Oh honey… It'll all work out I promise. I don't want you to do something you might regret later though."

"I already kind of decided what I wanted to do mom." I looked down at the floor, ashamed to meet her eyes as I said it "I want to get an abortion. I cant have this baby. I wont have this baby."

She wiped the tears from her eyes "I understand why you don't want the baby Leah, but I don't want you to have an abortion either. I don't feel comfortable letting you kill my grandchild." she took a deep breath "But if you still feel this way in a week or two, I'll say do whatever you feel is best. I don't want to force you to have a baby you don't want either."

I nodded, thankful she was going along with what I wanted. "Thank you. Thank you for not yelling at me, or preaching to me. I don't think I can handle it if you did." I said softly. "Please don't tell anyone. I'll tell dad later, Seth knows already. I don't want Sam to even know this happened."

My mom wiped her cheeks dry with a napkin as she got up from the table, looking at the clock "I wont Leah. You know I wont. I'll tell daddy for you if you want me to. I'll tell him not to tell Sam anything, I think you should tell him yourself though."

I shook my head as I took a sip of my cold coffee "I don't want to tell him anything. I don't even want to see him again. He has his precious Emily now, he doesn't need me." I said sadly as I got up from the table. I felt nauseous again, and a bit relieved. I didn't think telling my mom would be that easy. "I'm going back to bed for a while."

She nodded and waved me off "I'll see you when I get home, we'll talk to daddy then ok?"

"Okay" I said softly as I disapeared down the hall and climbed back into my bed. My safe haven, the only place I could let what I felt show without being ashamed.


	2. Addicted To

**a/n-- So, I was really surprised with the response for this story, Im glad you guys are liking it and please remember to review! **

Chapter two-- "Addicted"

I shoved my hands into my pockets as I walked with my head down, heading down the cracked and worn out road to my house. I was on my way back from meeting with Old Quil. I was still in a state of shock from that. I amazed that I was still even to walk myself back home. I exhaled heavily as I lifted my eyes and surveyed everything around me. It was a sunny day, not normal for us.

It'd be better if it was raining. Or at least cloudy outside. It would fit my mood a hell of a lot better. I had too much shit going on through my mind right now. Emily. Leah. Puppies. Vampires. My mom yelling at me. Constant hunger. And that damn scent that kept tugging me towards the park. I turned in that direction without even really thinking about it. I was easily half a mile away and I could still smell her. The smell made me want to phase and run towards her, to make sure no one was near her. I rolled my eyes at my thoughts. I was sounding possessive over someone I didn't even have a claim to. Not anymore I didn't.

I let my thoughts go back, remembering my conversation with Old Quil. I'd went to him, asking him if he was sure that I was imprinted on Emily forever. I didn't think I was supposed to be able to feel like that over anyone but Leah. It wasn't just being protective, it was a whole bucket of feelings. I thought my imprint with Emily was screwed up somehow. Well, technically it was a pretty fucked up situation, but that's not what I meant. It was even more fucked up now. Leah was pregnant. That was why I noticed the change in her smell. The reason why was even worse. Old Quil said as far as he could tell it was a wolves natural reaction to the female carrying his pups.

I felt a quiver in my back when I thought of that word. Pups. Ugh.. I shook my head. Leah was pregnant, apparently by me. Only she didn't tell me. If she even knew yet. I neared the edge of the park and turned my head, inhaling deeply. I glanced around, catching sight of her. Leah was beautiful still. Not as beautiful as Emily is though. But still.. Anyone with eyes couldn't help but notice Leah. Her long black hair was pulled back from her face. She had on a pair of short shorts and a red shirt as she sat on the hood of an older gray car laughing with her friends. Well they were my friends once too. Before I had to ignore them in case I lost it and mangled them.

I neared Leah preparing myself for a physical attack when she saw me. The sight of her made my heart ache a small bit as I met her eyes when I was a couple feet away. The group called out greetings to me as I stood awkwardly by Leah. I nodded to them before asking softly "Lee-Lee, can we talk for a moment?"

Erika snapped at me first "Leave her alone Sam."

Leah gave me a dark look as she turned away from me on the hood of the car "No."

I sighed and reached over and touched her hand lightly making her flinch "Come on. Just for a minute."

She rolled her eyes as she got up from the car waving to her friends "I need to go home." she said waving as she walked away from them, in the opposite direction of me.

I followed after her quickly, ignoring the laughs of the others as I chased after her "Leah, stop please." I half begged as I followed her. She wasn't making this any easier. How could you protect someone that wouldn't let you be near them?

Leah kept walking until she was a good distance away from everyone else before whirling around to look at me "What do you want Sam? To tear my heart out again? To rub salt in the wounds that are finally starting to heal?"

I felt a stab at her words "Don't be like that. You don't understand what you're saying." I said quietly. Leah would never know why I left her. I knew it wouldn't matter though, she would still see it as me leaving her for Emily.

"What do you want from me then? I told you to leave me alone. I don't want to see you." she said looking up at the sky.

It was taking all my control not to grab her and hug her into a bone crushing embrace. Another part of that damn scent that was filling my nose. "You're pregnant" I said simply.

Leah's eyes jerked down, meeting mine for a moment before looking away again, she didn't say a word to me.

"Is it mine?" I asked slowly, not sure if this was dangerous grounds yet. "I mean.. Is the baby mine?" I knew that the baby was mine. Whose else could it be? Leah wasn't a slut. Besides, we would have still been together during the time she probably got pregnant.

Leah looked down at the ground as she nodded once. "Who else have I been with?" she said sarcastically.

I felt my stomach drop at the confirmation. It was different hearing it from her mouth instead of thinking it was a crazy wolf reaction. "I didn't mean it like that Leah." I said apologetically.

She shrugged as she looked up finally "Well, It doesn't matter anyways. I don't want it. I don't need a baby around to remind me of you." she said meeting my eyes, pain was shining in them brightly. "I cant get over everything if I have to have this…thing.."

Thing. She called my baby a thing. I narrowed my eyes at her backing away a bit, just in case. "Its too late for that. The baby's already been formed."

Leah scoffed at me "Its not too late. I might be pregnant but I don't have to stay this way. I'm not having this baby. I wont."

It finally sank in what she meant. Abortion. I felt the fire rush my veins "You cant do that."

Leah bit down on her bottom lip. Always a sign she was trying not to cry. "I can and I am. How do you expect me to be okay if I have your baby Sam? I wont be. I'll always have to think about you. I cant handle that." she crossed her arms in front of herself "I already have an appointment for later this week anyways. Only I don't have enough to pay for it. My parents wont help me pay for the… the procedure. I was going to tell you anyways to ask you for half."

She honestly expected me to help her pay for someone to murder my baby. I gave her a look as I felt more anger rush through me. "I don't know if I can help pay for that either."

"Sam, after everything you put me through the past month do you really want to make me have this baby? Because I couldn't afford to get rid of it?" Leah asked me angrily.

I could see her reasoning. But I could see mine. I didn't believe in abortion. It was wrong. "I..I..I don't know" I said finally.

Leah let a single tear slide down her cheek "Its not that much money. Only $150 is your half. Please just give it to me." she whispered.

"I'll have to think about it." I told her, knowing this would be a life altering decision to make. "I just don't know about this."

Leah nodded and wiped her tears off her long feathery eyelashes "I need to know in the next two days. I cant put it off. It'll give it too much time to develop and all."

I clenched my hands into fists nodding to her. Talk about awkward.

She tugged down on her shirt nervously suddenly "Who told you about me?"

Shit. I didn't even think about having a logical explanation on how I knew she was pregnant. "I just do. Heard it through the grape vine. Don't worry though, I wont tell anyone until I decide."

Leah nodded, looking back down at the ground "You don't have to like… talk to me ok?"

I rolled my eyes as she went back into protective mode "Don't be like that Lee. I'll call or stop and tell you what's up soon ok?" I backed away from her, knowing if I didn't Id be risking a furplosion soon.

She waved me off and started back towards the street she lived on, ignoring me again as I went opposite of her.

I went home and sat at my kitchen table for hours, not even noticing when the sun went done. I was going over my conversation with Leah over and over in my mind. I didn't want her to have an abortion. I didn't want her to get rid of my baby. I loved kids, I would be a great dad. I would love this baby more than anything in life. I knew Leah would make a great mom if she wanted to, she always expressed wanting children when we were together and planned on getting married.

But now we weren't together and never would be. I'd broken her heart for my Emily. I'd left Leah alone completely after the break up. I didn't want to cause her any more pain than I already had. I hated to see her cry over me. I honestly hated knowing I was the reason she looked so withdrawn. I knew having this baby would only break down any sense of comfort she'd found the last few weeks. She would never heal from our break up, she'd always have me around her.

I let my head drop into my hands as I went over everything again. I had the money, Leah knew that. I would hate myself if I gave it to her though. I would hate myself if I didn't. I had no clue what to do. I wanted her to move on. I let out a loud sigh just as the door opened behind me. I felt the tug in my heart but couldn't bring myself to look up into her eyes. I would break down.

"What's wrong?" I heard her sweet voice ask, I felt her hand on my back.

I didn't move as I said bluntly "Leah's pregnant"

I heard Emily suck in a deep breath and her hand left my back. "Is it yours?" she asked quietly.

I nodded my head slowly and lifted it up and turned to look at her. Emily had tears streaming down her face as she looked at me. I hurt seeing her cry like that. I hurt knowing I was the reason she was even crying. "I..I.. don't know what to say." I said moving to hug her.

Emily let me wrap my arms around her, consoling her as she cried and sniffled "This is my fault. If I weren't with you, she could have you and you c-c-could" she stopped there sniffling.

I rubbed her back "Shhh. Don't say that. You know this isn't like that. It wasn't supposed to happen."

Emily buried her face in my chest wiping her tears on my shirt "What are you going to do?"

"I don't know. She barely told me today. I keep smelling her and want to like.. guard her or something. Its some crazy wolf instinct I keep getting." I said sighing.

Emily lifted her head up "I don't like this." she admitted "But you cant not help her either. I don't want Leah to suffer anymore because you're with me."

I laughed harshly "Leah doesn't want any help from me. Not unless you count the $150 she wants from me to help pay for the abortion."

Emily got a horrified look on her face "Abortion? She wants to get rid of the baby?"

I nodded, touching Emily's crow black hair lightly "She has the appointment set up already. I don't want her to have it. I don't want to help kill my baby. I don't want Leah to have to have my baby either though. Not knowing I wouldn't be able to be completely honest with her still. She was finally starting to be okay again, and now she's pregnant." I hugged Emily tightly against me "I feel like shit for this. I feel shit for thinking I should just give her the money and let her do it because it'll help her get over me."

She hugged me back "Sam, do what you want to. If you don't give her the money and make her keep the baby, you know I'll still be with you. If you give her the money, I'll still be here with you. I'll be okay with whatever you choose to do. We'll figure it out."

I didn't deserve Emily being so nice to me. I was a complete fuck up. "I think I'm going to give it to her." I said quietly, hating myself. "I'm going to go to the bank and get the money and give it to her. I cant make her do this. I cant force her into having the baby."

Emily nodded, understanding. She was probably relieved. "If that's what you want." she said simply. "I just… I'm sorry."

I kissed her on the cheek I'd scarred. A constant reminder of what a monster I was. Now I had two women in my life I was scarring. I moped around the rest of the night, still arguing with myself until I went to bed. I laid down, resting my head behind my hands. I'd been quiet and moody all night. Emily was just as reserved, not speaking to me unless she needed to.

I let my mind go back to the park again. Talking to Leah, my ears picking up on everything around us, the birds chirping, the rustle of the leaves, the sound of laughter. And something else. Emily laid down beside me, snuggling up next to my side whispering goodnight softly. I closed my eyes and said sadly "I could hear its heart beat."


	3. All the Things you do

**A/N-- Sorry it took so long to update, Im in the process of finishing up two fics right now, Mediate is helping tremendously by finishing one of them, and then I can focus more on just this one story for a while. Thanks everyone who reviewed and alerted this. It means alot. I hope you like it. Gimme some feedback!**

Chapter 3 All the things you do

I was slumped over on the couch on Tuesday afternoon, I felt awful. I kept reminding myself I only had to get through today. After today I'd be fine. There wouldn't be anything inside of me to make me feel sick. I flipped the channels silently, glancing at my dad. He was leaned back in the recliner with a newspaper. He'd taken the news pretty well. He'd only gotten mad when my mom told him I wanted an abortion. He'd refused to pay for any of it, but made a point of telling me he'd have no problems buying diapers and formula.

I sighed as I tossed him the remote and laid my head down, ready for a nap. I could hear someone knocking on the back door. Seth could get it, I decided, he was useless anyways. I shut my eyes and grabbed a couch pillow just as my mom said "Leah? Sam's here to see you."

I opened my eyes back up and sat up quickly. My dad looked at me curiously as I stood up from the couch. Sam was standing behind my mom, looking tired and a bit like he'd been tromping through the woods. My mom frowned as I walked past them, motioning for Sam to follow me. I led him into the kitchen and leaned against the counter giving him a look "Well?" I asked him bitterly.

Sam stared back into my eyes for a moment, as if daring me to say something. Then he reached in his pocket and handed me a roll of money. I looked at his outstretched hand, the money inside of it. "I don't want you to do this Leah. I wish you wouldn't. But… I want you to be able to be happy too." he said quietly.

I reached over and took the money out of his hand "I have to do this for me to be happy." I told him. This was only the second time we'd actually spoke since the break up.. It hurt to look at him and know he was with Emily. "Did you tell…her?"

Sam nodded his head looking down at the kitchen floor "I had to. I cant keep anything from Emily. She told me to do what I felt like I should with this."

I rolled my eyes at him "Of course she did. Of course she'd be supportive at the idea of you having a baby with her cousin. Anything to keep her precious Sam."

He lifted his head up "Don't be like that. You'll understand some day. Just… don't be angry with Emily."

I hated hearing him say her name. He said Emily like it was the best thing he'd ever said. "Well um… thanks for this…" I said lamely. How were you supposed to thank someone for paying for an abortion exactly? "Don't feel like you have to talk to me or anything. I'll take care of it tomorrow morning and that's it."

Sam looked like he wanted to say something and didn't know how as he stood there uncomfortably "I guess I should get going. I have to be at work soon." he trailed off. "I'll call and check on you tomorrow though, just to make sure everything went okay and all."

I waved him off "Don't bother. All I needed was your half to get rid of your half of the baby." I knew that was going to take a stab at him but I didn't care. I would hurt Sam in any way that I could. I opened the back door for him "Bye"

Sam nodded and loped off, walking across the lawn. I noticed then that his truck wasn't here. I frowned as I watched him disappear off into the woods.

My mom cleared her throat making me jump. "Did he just give you money for what I think he did?"

I gave her a sadistic smile "Yes he just brought me exactly…" I paused to count the money in my hands "$150 for an abortion that I told him I needed to have."

My mom shook her head at me looking angry "Leah, you shouldn't have did that. Why cant you just change your mind? And do what you know is right?"

"Why cant Sam do what he knows is right?" I snapped, feeling the tears start form in my eyes "And leave my mangled cousin and come back to me where he belongs?"

My mom sucked in a deep breath "Leah Clearwater don't you say another word about your poor cousin again. You know Sam doesn't care what she looks like. I can promise you there's more to that story than you will ever know." she shot me the mom look, making me cower "And for another thing, You shouldn't have pushed Sam into giving you this money for an abortion you shouldn't have and you know he doesn't agree with."

I couldn't stay in this house. I couldn't be shut up with people that thought I was doing something horrible. "I'm going to the store." I said walking past her and sliding my feet into a pair of sneakers. "I have to get something." I snatched my purse off of the back of one of the kitchen chairs "I'll be back…sometime."

"Be careful! And don't do anything stupid!" she called after me as I took off out the door walking.

I walked through the light mist into town from our house. We lived just on the outskirts of the small village with its few shops. I kicked up rocks as I walked, thinking on everything. Was I having an abortion to get over Sam or to hurt him? Was I scared of having a baby or scared or raising Sam's baby? I let the questions roll over and over in my mind as I walked, finally making it to the small strip of stores.

I pushed the door open to one of two small clothing stores. The cool air hit my face as I went in, looking around. I wandered around the store, pausing to look at things before I realized where I was. The baby section. My eyes drifted over the small dresses, pink, yellow, lavender. There were crib sets, tiny shoes, fuzzy blankets. I reached over and touched one of the blankets, fingering it lightly. It was soft to my hands. I picked it up and looked at it for a moment. I could have all of this. I could have a baby for everything.

I bit down on my bottom lip as I went to the boy section, Sam would have loved a boy. There were overalls and small pairs of trousers. All adorable. Baseball themed settings, or jungle animals. What if I was carrying a boy? I could be having Sam's first born son, not Emily. I would have his baby not her. I would always be there to remind her of what I'd had long before she did. But I didn't want to do that. I didn't want to see them. I didn't want to relive any of the painful memories. I would want this to be my baby and my baby only. No Sam butting in, no Emily trying to help raise a child that wasn't hers.

I left the store, feeling out of sorts. I couldn't go through with the abortion now. Not after seeing all the outfits my baby would have. Not after seeing that my baby would be happy even if it was just the two of us. I wanted to keep my baby. I couldn't give the baby away or kill it. I'd been crazy I decided. Stuffed my hands into my pockets as I walked, I wouldn't tell Sam I changed my mind. Not yet. I wouldn't tell anyone just yet. I might change it again and decide to go with plan a.

*****************************************************************************

I woke up early the next day. My appointment was scheduled for nine. It was seven now. My mom had taken the day off of work to take me to Port Angeles for everything. I wasn't going. Even after having time to sleep on it, I knew I couldn't go through with it.

I dressed up as quickly as I could, pulling my long hair into a pony tail and hurriedly brushed my teeth. I tip toed through the house as quietly as I could, not wanting to wake anyone. I shut the back door behind me, and almost let out a sigh of relief as I headed towards my destination. It was a fair walk, I was almost out of breath by the time I made it to the small grey house in the woods. I rolled my eyes at the flowers that had planted outside of it.

I stepped onto the porch and licked my lips nervously. This was a major thing to do. Way major. I closed my eyes and rapped on the door before I could change my mind. I waited ten seconds and started to leave when it opened. "Leah?" I heard the familiar deep voice say.

I stopped and turned around "Hi I um… I …. " my voice quivered for a moment.

Sam reached out and pulled me inside the house, shutting the door behind us "What's wrong?" he asked concerned. His dark eyes searching my face.

I reached in my pocket and held out his money "Here. I came to give this back to you." I said shoving the money at him.

Sam looked confused as he looked at the money I'd put in his hand "Why?" he pulled out a chair at the kitchen table for me.

I sat down reluctantly, not wanting to get too comfortable. Something about knowing there was another female here, that was sleeping with Sam was irritating me even worse than jealously. "I'm not having the abortion after all." I said quietly "I'm going to have the baby."

Relief flooded his features immediately "Thank--"

I cut him off "I'm having the baby Sam. Not you. I want to raise the baby alone. I don't want you to be around for anything. I just thought I should give you the money back."

Sam took in a deep breath looking shaky and pained "You don't want me to be around my baby?"

I shook my head "No, I don't. I don't to see you every day. I don't want you to constantly be around me just because of a baby I had on accident."

He rubbed his temples "Leah that's not right. I have to be there."

"No I don't need you there. We'll be fine. Just promise me that you'll leave me alone. That's all I need to hear to keep from getting the abortion. I cant handle you around."

Sam sighed loudly "Fine. Fine I'll agree to it. But only because its either my baby lives and I keep away, or the baby dies."

I was hurting Sam. I was hurting the man I loved to protect myself. Somehow though, the baby seemed to be above all else now. I stood up from the table "Just remember to keep your distance. Don't you dare tell anyone this is your baby either Sam. I don't want the whole town knowing I got knocked up and you still left me for someone else."

Sam got up following me to the door, "Here, take the money back. It'll help you buy some stuff" he started to put it in my hand when I shoved his away.

"No. I'll worry about providing everything. Its not your concern." I told him bitterly "I'll see you around sometimes." I turned and hurried away from the house, not wanting to be there a moment longer. I was killing him. Sam wanted this baby and I wouldn't let him have it. Not over my dead body. This was my decision.

I walked back home, knowing everyone was probably wondering where I was at by now. I knew they'd all be happy too. I headed up the driveway, after walking for ten minutes and slipped inside the house. I could hear them all in the kitchen. "I'm back" I called out as I kicked my shoes off.

My dad came to the doorway looking at me "You're going to be late you know."

I didn't answer him as I walked past him into the kitchen and started getting out a box of cereal and a bowl. Seth was looking at me funny as he munched on his own. I shot him a dirty look as I sat down beside him, pouring the cereal into the bowl. "Honey, are you ready?" My mom asked as she came in, clipping in her ear rings. She stopped when she saw me sitting there, still in my raqgedy comfortable clothes.

I put my spoon back down as they all looked at me "I'm not going. I'm not having the abortion."

Seth let out a whoop and jumped up and hugged me tightly "Allright!!" he cheered.

My mom hugged me next, pulling me against her tightly "I'm so proud of you. I knew you wouldn't be able to do it. Now we've got to start planning."

My dad gave me a grin as he patted me on the back "Were you telling Sam? Is that where you went to?"

Ah. I had to tell them about that incident too. "Kind of." I said slowly knowing they weren't going to like it. "I went to give him back his money and tell him I'm keeping the baby and for him to keep away from us."

My parents both looked at each other. "Seth, why don't you take the trash out for me?" my mom asked suddenly.

Seth rolled his eyes as he stood up "I know when to leave" he said shaking his head and giving me a sympathetic look.

I swallowed a bite of my frosted flakes nervously. "I didn't do anything wrong." I said quietly.

My mom gave me a stern look "You cant tell Sam he cant be around his baby. That's beyond selfish.'

My dad nodded his head in agreement with her "I'm sure he wants to help."

"I don't want him to help me. I don't want him to be stuck with me." I said wiping at my eyes. "I don't want Sam to feel like I'm the ex he'll never get rid of."

My dad reached over and patted my hand "I'm sure he doesn't think that at all sweetheart."

I sniffled a bit "He does. I know he does. I can tell when he looks at me when he speaks to me. Besides, he agreed to leave me alone so he must not want the baby too bad."

"Aww.. Sweetie.." My mom said hugging me "I'm sure he didn't mean it like that all. He was probably just relived you weren't following through is all."

Why did they have to keep sticking up for Sam? Like he was one of their kids or something. "I don't know. I don't care. It only matters that he agreed to keep away."

We sat there discussing this, until they decided ultimately, this baby was my decision not theirs. They would keep out of it unless I was endangering myself or the baby. Otherwise, I would call the shots. It was my choice to have the baby after all. I trudged down the hall to my room, feeling tired already. I could just sleep for days. I crawled into the bed, turning the TV on, flipping through the channels.

I heard a knock on the door, then my mom came in carrying a scrap piece of paper with her, "You have an appointment in Forks later today. If you're keeping the baby then you need to go see a doctor. I figured today was as good a day as any, especially since I'm off and all."

I laid around until later that afternoon, getting up in just enough time to get dressed and make it to the Forks in time for the appointment. My mom stayed glued to my side in the doctors office, filling out my papers for me. I was less then thrilled to be here right now. I'd rather be in bed watching Oprah. I sat there, listening to her talk for a few minutes until I heard them call my name. I stood up and looked down pointedly at my mom until she got up to go with me.

I changed into the gown they gave me and sat on the exam table, answering way too many personal questions. I glanced at my mom, not even worried about the thing she'd just heard me answer truthfully. I slid off the table and started getting dressed, "I guess I get an ultrasound too." I said lamely. I'd decided to keep the baby, but I still wasn't jumping for joy yet.

My mom squeezed my hand "We'll know for sure how far you are then."

I nodded and followed her down the long hallway she knew by heart from working here as a RN. I slid down into the chair in the dimmed room and laid back in the chair, frowning as the tech slathered my stomach with some goo. My mom leaned forward excitedly watching the monitor as she slid the wand around my stomach, taking measurements. I listened to the thumping sound and glanced down at my stomach. That was my baby. My baby's heartbeat and my baby was that big black blob on the screen.

I studied it closely as she printed out a few pictures for me to take with me. I couldn't make out any body parts just yet. It was still too early for that. Or I thought it was. "So Ms. Clearwater, I'm guessing by the measurements I've taken here that you're due sometime around, June 6th. " she looked up from her clip board smiling. "That puts you at exactly 14 weeks. Only 24 more to go."

My mom glanced at me as we left after I'd wiped my stomach off, she didn't say anything until we were in the car. "14 weeks. You wouldn't have been able to get the abortion anyways."

I shrugged my shoulders. Sam would never have to know that. I wouldn't tell him. "It doesn't matter now anyways. I'd already made the decision."

Once we made it home, My dad and Seth were already back from school and work and were lounging around the house. I hadn't been going to school since the break up. I'd been out a while. Not a big deal, I was supposed to graduate soon anyways. I held out my pictures, letting them see the gray mass that was growing inside of me. Seth was the first to comment. "Wow. You're gonna be huge soon sis." he exclaimed, glancing over at me sideways.

I glared at him and crossed my arms over myself. "Shut up Seth." I snapped at him and grabbed my pictures back. "You're not supposed to upset me anymore than I already am."

My dad gave him a look "Be nice to your sister. She's having a hard time." he scolded him.

That's how it went for the next week. I laid in bed, crying or just staring at the TV while my mom and Seth tried to coax me out of it. I felt happy sometimes about the baby, and other time, depressed. Sometimes I wanted the baby, sometimes I didn't. Every time I saw a happy family on TV I bawled even more. My poor baby wouldn't have that.

"Leah?" My mom said softly, knocking on my door frame. "You have a visitor" she said, frowning with her eyes as a figure came up behind her.

I sat up a bit straighter and wiped at my eyes as soon as I realized who it was. "Tell him no. I don't feel like visitors right now. Or anytime."

"Leah, just listen to me for two minutes. Please?" the deep barritone voice pleaded as Sam slipped into the room. My mom backed away, looking worried as she shut the door. Sam looked at me, his dark eyes filled with sorrow.

I gave him a go to hell look. "Don't look at me and pity me Sam." I snapped at him. "I don't need you feeling sorry for this."

Sam sighed as he sat down on the edge of my bed "I do feel sorry for it though. Its my fault. Its all my fault. I just want to help you, and make it easier for you." He shoved his hands into his jeans as he looked at me again.

He looked tired and worried. Older it seemed. "I don't need your help."

"Look. Whether you need my help or not, I want to be a part of the baby's life since you're keeping it. I want to know my son or daughter." he spoke quietly.

I didn't even have to think on this one. "No." I said harshly, self consciously hugging my stomach where a bump was forming noticeably now.

Sam looked pained as his eyes drew downwards "I'm a part of this Leah, whether you like it or not. You didn't get yourself pregnant."

I felt tears escape the corners of my eyes, anger, self pity, and hurt all in one was in those tears that fell. "You got me pregnant. That's it. You don't need to stick around and pretend to like me for the next twenty years just because you think that's what you're supposed to do."

Sam moved, making me flinch slightly from the quickness as he pried my arms off of myself and hugged me tightly against his chest. His scent overwhelmed me as I relaxed for the first time in a few months. His hands rubbed my back softly as he spoke softly "Don't think that. I still think about the time we had together Lee Lee. I don't want to be a part of the baby's life because that's what I should do, I want to involved because I want to be. I want to know our son or daughter. I still love you and care about you, I want to take responsibility."

I pulled away from his hug and let the tears fall freely as I opened the door to my room "If you want to help me, then leave me alone Sam."

I met his eyes as he started to back out of my room, looking like I'd kicked him in the ribs. "Go." I snapped at him. He nodded and turned and walked away. I didn't even hear him say good bye to my mom as he left. I just heard the door shut loudly behind him.


	4. Corndogs and Chips

**Sorry for all of the confusion. Wrong thing got posted. Thanks for all my reviewers last chapter, hopefully you guys will leave me another one for this chap. Sorry its so short, but the next one is well worth it. Thanks for reading!**

Chapter 4-- Supposed to

I glared at Seth as we sat on the couch, watching TV. He was annoying the hell out of me. I was six months pregnant and irritable. "Give it to me." I ordered him.

Seth rolled his eyes as he crammed the last piece of pizza into his mouth. He chewed, smirking the entire time at me. Jerk. He swallowed hard after a few chews "You ate everything else. Its not going to kill you to let me eat for once."

I popped him across the chest before I started to get up. Standing up from the couch was a task. I put one hand on my stomach as I stood, the other pushing on the arm of the couch. "I'm going to the store then." I needed food. My mom was at work, and dad was at Billy's house. "I'm starving still. I need food."

Seth stretched across the full length of the sofa and grabbed the remote "Bring me back some ice cream then." he said smiling widely at me.

"I'm not bringing you back a damn thing. You wouldn't even fix me a drink earlier." I said, giving him a look. Seth was usually pretty good with the pregnancy stuff. Getting me food and helping me stand, but I think it was starting to wear on his patience and Seth was normally a happy guy.

Seth propped another pillow behind his head "You only have twenty minutes before they close." He said glancing at the clock.

I shrugged as I shoved my swollen feet into a pair of slippers. I didn't even care what I looked like right now. I was hormonal and really craving a corn dog dipped in barbeque sauce. I grabbed the extra set of keys to dad's car from the peg and money from the coffee can in the cupboard and made it to the store in record time.

I hopped out and padded into the store, ignoring the stares as I cruised the frozen food aisle. I grabbed a gallon of peach ice cream as I passed it. I could use some more. I stood in front of the entrée section, eyeing the corn dogs and frozen chicken nuggets. Hmmm…. What type did I want? Mini corn dogs? Full size? Stick or no stick? I was deep in thought as I opened the door up and started to grab a box of them.

"Leah?" I heard a voice ask behind me.

I froze. Not him. I'd managed to avoid him for two months straight. Ever since that day I'd told him to leave me alone. I didn't want the confrontation. Especially not here in public. "Leah, I've been meaning to stop by and see you. I've been busy with work and stuff..." Sam apologized.

I turned to look at him and gave him a hard look. "I don't want you to come by and check on us. "'

There was a long awkward silence as he flushed slightly. I touched my stomach as I felt the baby kick at me. "Can... Can I... feel the baby?" Sam asked quietly.

I felt a pang of remorse and nodded before I could change my mind. His warm hands touched my swollen stomach through my purple shirt, feeling around. After a few monments he felt a strong kick against his hand and grinned excitedly.

I couldn't stand how giddy he looked. I shoved his hand off and grabbed my corn dogs "Yeah. Whatever. I have to get going" I said as I walked off from him. I didn't want him thinking it was some sort of fatherly bonding thing going on by feeling the baby kick and move. I didn't want to see him again for a long time.

And I got my wish. I was 8 months along now and miserable. I always felt miserable but there was just something degrading about having to ask your little brother to tie your shoes for you. My mom and I were getting everything situated in the nursery now. I was using the guest room for the baby's room, even though I'd refused the baby shower offers, this pregnancy wasn't something I wanted to celebrate. Besides, we hadn't had any trouble getting everything we needed on our own.

I ran my finger over the dark wood of the crib my dad had put together for the baby. Everything was falling into place perfectly. Only 4 more weeks until the baby was here. It was unbelievable to think that I'd been pregnant for eight entire months. I sat down in the rocking chair in the corner of the room and hugged the teddy bear that had been sitting in it to my chest as I looked around the room. I wanted everything perfect for the baby, so my dad and Seth had been in overdrive painting the formerly red room a neautral white color and putting up border for me shaped like pastel building blocks.

"You're awful quiet today Lee." I heard my mom say from the doorway.

I straightened up and pulled down on my shirt that was barely managing to cover my huge belly. "Just thinking is all." I told her with a small smile.

My mom nodded and came in, doing exactly what I'd done, looking over the crib and the tiny clothes that were in the dresser. "Have you thought anymore on Sam?" she asked softly.

I felt the familiar fire flare up "No and I don't plan on it either." I said hotly.

My mom sighed as she rearranged a stack of onesies in the drawers. "You know, I don't think it would hurt to let him at least see the baby every now and then Leah. It is his baby."

I couldn't believe my mom was standing up for him. It was like, Sam could do no wrong in their eyes. Like they couldn't understand that I didn't want or need his help with the baby. If he wanted a baby so bad, he could knock my cousin up. "Sam doesn't have a baby." I replied curtly.

"Sam feels bad, he just wants to help you. He's worried that the baby will grow up and not even know who he is. He doesn't want the baby to be without a father like he was. Would you at least listen to him if he came over?" She asked me, pushing the drawer shut.

I stood up slowly, holding onto the chair for support as I did. Getting up and down wasn't so easy when you had another person with you. "No I wont listen to him. I don't want to hear anything he has to say. And the baby doesn't need him, my baby will be fine without him just like I am." I shot at her. My nerves were starting to unravel little by little. My emotions were haywire day to day and I felt like crying right now.

Mom frowned at me, looking like she wanted to say something but wasn't so sure of how to say it. "I don't think you are fine." she said finally.

I felt the hot tears as they hit my cheeks and left the room, wiping at them as they fell. "Quit sticking up for him!"

I slammed the door to my room and crawled into my bed, weeping for a few minutes. I wasn't about to let Sam ruin the one thing I had to call mine. My baby, not his. I let more tears fall and reached into my night stand and grabbed out the Hershey bar that I knew was in it and opened it. Chocolate made everything better.

Or so I thought it did. Another week passed with me going to the doctor and straight back home again. Thirty-five weeks, only a couple more to go. It was torture being this pregnant. My back was sore and my ankles and feet kept swelling up like balloons. It'd gotten to the point that I honestly hated to get up and walk to get my favorite new snack-- peach and vanilla ice cream-- from the kitchen.

My dad and Seth were sitting at the kitchen table as I made my bowl of ice cream , both of them already eating. I took mine into the living room and sat down and grabbed the remote. I'd taken to watching re runs of the O.C. during the day. I stretched out on the couch as I ate, the baby was kicking up a storm during the second part of the show. I could hear my dad talking to someone but didn't think much of it til a few minutes later when I got up and waddled into the kitchen after some chips.

Sam was standing in the kitchen, leaning against the counter, shirtless and wearing shorts only as he listened to my dad talk about a council meeting that was happening tomorrow. "Yeah I gotta get over to Jared's a little later and tell him." Sam said, looking straight at me as I walked past him to the pantry.

I ignored him as I plundered around, finding only sour cream and onion chips and frowning. "Daddy? I thought we had more of the cheddar ones." I said sighing as I grabbed a box of cheese nips too.

Sam was still watching me, not even replying to my dad "Do you want some? I can go get you some." Sam offered quickly.

"I'm fine." I snapped at him. I opened the fridge and refilled my glass up with tea as my dad stood up from the kitchen table.

"Just let me run to bathroom and we can go." Dad told Sam, glancing back and forth between us before deciding it was okay to leave us alone.

I went back into the living room, almost daring him to follow me and sat down with my snacks and tea. I munched for a couple of minutes before I realized I'd left my iron pills in the kitchen. I sighed loudly as I pulled myself back up and went back in.

As I neared the kitchen doorway I glared instantly at what he was doing. He'd taken the ultrasound picture off the fridge and was looking at it intently. "Put it back." I ordered him.

Sam didn't even look up, his eyes were looking over the picture "Is this the baby?" He asked me as I snatched it out of his hands.

"No, it's my new cat." I answered sarcastically as I shoved the picture into a drawer.

Sam sighed and shoved his hand into his pockets. "I cant believe you haven't shown me that before." He paused. "Do you know if it's a boy or a girl?"

"No, I really don't care that much."

Sam's brow furrowed. "Oh."

I rolled my eyes, digging through the cabinet for my pill bottle and then dumped two red iron tablets out of it "Is there something wrong?" He asked me worriedly, nodding at the pills.

"Yeah I'm eight months pregnant and this really annoying weasel wont leave me the hell alone for starters." I told him snidely and headed back to the living room. My dad was coming down the hall, obviously hearing us argue.

Sam followed after me "I'll leave you alone if you'll let me have the picture," he bargained.

My dad gave me a stern look. "It wouldn't hurt to let him have one of them. You have tons."

"Yea, and they're mine." I told my dad, knowing he would pull rank on me.

Sam looked hopeful. "Please Leah? Just one of them? Just so I can have it?"

I felt my emotion shift and motioned towards the kitchen. "Fine. Take the one I just put in the drawer. If you didn't take it already." I grumbled at him.

Sam thanked me quietly and took off back into the kitchen, I heard him rummage around a moment before he called out, "Ready Harry?"

Dad leaned down and hugged me tightly and whispered, "Thanks you Leah. I'll make it up to you."

I waved him off and grabbed the remote "If you mean that you'll stop for a bag of shredded coconut." I said with a small smile.

Dad laughed as he left, promising he would. I slouched back down on the couch for more TV, feeling slightly bad for the way I'd treated Sam today. My lower back cramping off and on, which my mom informed me was caused by Braxton Hicks contraction, meaning I was getting ready to go into labor soon. I had everything prepared for the baby, clothes, diapers, crib, a small bassinet in my room. All I needed was to go into labor now.

Labor that Id have to face alone. That single thought stayed printed in my mind for the rest of the day, even when I went and laid down for the night. I was alone. I didn't have anyone. My parents were just helping me, Seth was just helping, so was Erika. They couldn't really be there for me like the father of my baby should be able to and wasn't because he had someone else. Someone else he'd rather kids with.

I felt myself tear as I rolled over onto my side, to try and get my back to stop hurting so much. No such luck. Instead it got worse, making the bend in my back sore as I swapped positions over and over. I had to roll around every time I did, it was uncomfortable to sit, stand, or lay down in any position. Sam should be here next to me in this bed, rubbing my back I thought to myself as a few tears fell down my cheeks. Sam should be helping me up and down, but he couldn't because he wasn't here for me.

I curled up as best I could as I cried myself to sleep, wishing that somehow, everything would get better.

A week a later, I was innocently walking to the bathroom when it happened. It wasn't a big shock to me, but scary. I'd been cramping all night and I felt cranky. So when I stood up from the couch and headed down the thickly carpeted hallway and felt the hush of warmth fall from me, I felt only panic. "Mom!" I shouted loudly. "Mom!"

Mom came from her room, pulling her robe rightly around her "What's wrong?" she asked worriedly.

Silently I pointed down at the puddle on the floor, my dad and Seth had gotten up also to see what was happening. "I think my water broke." I said quietly.

Seth made a face "Gross Lee, you peed on the floor."

Dad smacked him in the back of the head. "Go get a towel and clean it up while we get your sister in the car and get her bags."

Seth pretended to gag as he went to do as he was told. I was standing there still trying to wonder how my quiet night had changed so suddenly.


	5. Animal Instincts

**a/n--- thanks everyone for reviewing last chapter. I was overwhelmed by the response so I wrote this chapter and decided to update twice in a week just to say thanks. So please remember to review. The more reviews, the more motivated I am to write. :D**

Chapter 5 Animal Instincts

Pains kept clenching my stomach every few minutes, My dad and mom kept patting my hand, trying to soothe me, but it wasn't working. Every when the nurse offered me something for pain, it didn't help me.

I was in an uncomfortable hospital bed with a stupid IV in my arm making it hard for me to move. There were monitors on my stomach for the baby's heartbeat, which I could hear thumping loudly on the monitors. I wasn't scared, I was just ready for this to be over with. According to the doctor, I still had 6 centimeters to go before that happened. I leaned back into the pillows and shut my eyes as I listened to my mom on the phone, calling to tell the few people I was okay with knowing I was here.

"Leah, do you need anything? More pillows? Ice chips?" My dad offered from the chair beside me.

I shook my head as a contraction gripped my stomach "No. I just want to get this over with." I said taking a deep breath.

Seth was sitting on the foot of my bed, just observing "Wow. I guess I'm gonna be an uncle tonight."

"Gee, I thought you'd be an aunt the whole time. Stupid me." I said snidely to him, nudging him to get up with my foot.

Seth got up from my bed and leaned against the wall instead "Shouldn't you be yelling or something?"

I snorted as I adjusted in the bed again "Shouldn't you be at home or something? I didn't want a crowd."

"Leah, He's your brother. Of course he's going to be here to see his niece or nephew being born. Don't be mean to Seth just because you're in labor." Mom said calmly.

Easy for her to be so calm and collected, she wasn't the one laying here having contractions. She wasn't the one with a needle in her arm. She wasn't the one that had to have a baby. "I'm sorry Seth. Its mom I should be griping at." I apologized.

Dad laughed, trying to hide it behind his hand as he turned in the chair, facing away from her "We're all just excited is all."

They were excited and I was…something I hadn't felt before in my life. It wasn't just the pain either. Something was different with my emotions. "I'm glad someone is."

Mom rolled her eyes as we sat around for a few more hours, the doctor coming in , and the men in the family heading out occasionally as she checked my progress. Finally around 2:30am, she announced I could get ready to push. Panic shot through me then. "Now?" I asked unsure.

She nodded "Well in just a few minutes. You're dilated enough, its time to see this baby of yours make its entrance in the world."

Mom let out a happy squeal "I'm going to let your dad and Seth know! I'll be right back!"

I didn't say anything to her as I let out a soft moan when a harder contraction hit me. This was a way worse pain they I'd felt before. I couldn't take it. I felt vulnerable and I didn't like it at all. I wanted something to make me feel better. Anything to make me feel better. I bit down on my lip when another pain hit me just a couple of minutes later. I couldn't do it.

Mom came back, clapping her hands as she stood beside me as the nurses came in and started breaking down the bed. "I don't want to." I said suddenly.

"You don't want to what?" My mom asked me concerned, pushing my hair back from my forehead.

I held my stomach and winced lowly as a contraction came and went. I felt that feeling again and knew then what I wanted. I wanted Sam. I wanted Sam to come and at least sit beside me while I had the baby. I needed him to be near me. But why would he come? I'd been horrible to him. I'd been mean and rude and down right petty at times.

"I don't want to have the baby until Sam gets here. I want Sam." I said covering my face with my hands.

Mom dialed his number in a matter of seconds "Sam? We're at the hospital. Leah's having the baby and asking for you. She wants you here with her and she's ready to have the baby already." There was a pause while Sam talked "Yes I'm sure its what she wants." Another pause "Ok, hurry." and then she shut the phone.

I kept my mouth in a straight, thin line as I waited for him to get there. The nurses kept trying to talk me out of waiting and into pushing but I wouldn't do it. I felt like something would go wrong if I didn't wait for Sam to be near by. I wanted him to protect me in a weird way I couldn't explain.

"He's here" My mom said a few minutes later "Do you want me to stay or go?"

I shifted in the bed and watched as Sam came into the room after washing his hands. He looked out of breath, he'd made a half hour drive in 10 minutes. "You can stay but back off. I want him close." I said as Sam came to my bed "No, go wait outside. I just want Sam." I said feeling relieved as he took my hand in his.

The nurses started to come forward also, until I raised a hand at them, showing them to stay back "This doesn't change anything ok? I still don't want you all involved. I just need you here." I said wincing through the words. "Ok?"

Sam nodded and ran his thumb over the back of my hand "Ok whatever you want. Let's just get the baby born first." he said moving closer, almost like he was hovering protectively over me.

I clutched onto Sam's hand as another contraction came making me whimper to him. "It hurts" I whined moving my face closer to his shoulder.

Sam pushed my hair back off of my forehead "I know it does sweetie, but its worth it." he said in a low soothing voice to me.

I let my guard down with Sam, I was scared and he was making me feel better. "I just want my baby." I said in a tearful voice.

"Ok Leah, we need you to push now. On the count of 3. 1.… 2...3" a nurse directed me.

I dug my nails into Sam's hands and felt the skin breaking underneath them as I tried not to cry out from my clenched teeth. I could feel the unbelievable pressure and took a deep shaky breath as I continued to push for the next few minutes with each new contraction. I felt like I was pushing and pushing and not even making any progress.

I leaned back into the pillows, breathing deep as Sam wiped at my forehead with a wet cloth "Almost there Leah. Almost done." He said softly, the sound of his voice making me calm more.

"I know. I'm trying, I'm trying so hard." I whispered allowing him to squeeze my hand.

My eyes shut as I felt another contraction and pushed with it. I could hear one of the monitors beeping excitedly this time, going haywire. "What's wrong?!" I panicked, opening my eyes back up.

"Nothings wrong Leah." Dr. Moran said in a calm tone "The baby's heart rate is starting to downscale and we need you to push as hard as you can to hurry up and get that baby out ok?"

I nodded, tearing up as I pushed. Sam was leaning forwards now, trying to peek. "I can see its head!" he said pulling up a bit more.

I groaned through my teeth again, feeling one last pressure of pain before everyone moved at the same time. "Cut the cord, hurry up!" Dr. Moran's voice rang out.

"What's wrong with my baby?" I asked weakly, desperate to know what was going on around me.

The nurses were rushing around, I wasn't even focusing on what they were doing. "The cord's around the baby's neck." Dr. Moran said tonelessly, "Everything's going to be fine."

I felt tears running down my cheeks. I felt like I was watching through a window as they rushed again, Sam looking worried beside me. I continued to let him hold my hand as we waited anxiously for the next few minutes. It was a daze until the nurse came forward with a crying infant.

"Here's your daughter" She said with a smile as she passed me the bundle over to hold.

I moved my arms into a cradling position and looked down at my baby. She was beautiful even crying. She was tiny, so tiny, and perfect. I touched her small hand with my index finger, trying to memorize her before they took her again. "She's beautiful." I said aloud.

Sam reached over to push the blanket back to look at her, and I remembered suddenly that he was there. I moved my arms slightly back from him and kept my eyes down cast. I knew what I had to do now.

"Go. I don't need you anymore." I said lowly "Go."

He recoiled sharply "But I thought…." he trailed off "Cant I just look at her? Once?" he begged.

I turned again, feeling the pain and soreness of the movement "No. You don't need to look at her. I said go Sam."

Sam stood up and I glanced up at him quickly and then back down. He looked more upset than I'd ever seen him as he backed out of the room. "Okay." he said, leaving defeated.

The nurses took the baby away from me after a few more minutes of me holding her. They were taking her away to be weighed and measured and looked over. I was changed into a clean hospital gown and fresh sheets while I waited for the baby. My parents and Seth were pacing in my room anxiously as we all waited. I was tired, exhausted, but I knew I wouldn't sleep until I saw her again.

Sam's pov

I walked down the hall until I came to the small waiting room. Sue jumped up quickly from her chair "Is everything alright? Did she have the baby? What was it? Is Leah ok? What about the baby?" she asked all at once.

I exhaled loudly "The baby's a girl. The cord was wrapped around her neck, they're both okay now." I said rubbing my temples.

Harry slapped me on the back "Well congratulations! You had a daughter"

"I didn't have a daughter. Leah did." I replied almost bitterly.

Sue and Harry exchanged looks. "I thought she changed her mind?" Sue asked.

I shook my head "I thought she did too but she didn't. She just wanted me near here while she vulnerable is all. She wouldn't even let me look at my daughter. Or touch her." I felt like crying. I was a grown man and I'd only cried four times in my life. Not being able to be near the baby made me want to sob though.

Sue glanced around us before saying softly "I'm sure you could look at her if you went to the nursery window down the hall. That's where they'll have her at."

My head shot up. I'd do anything for a glimpse of the baby. I didn't even say goodbye before I took off down the hall, looking for the sign until I found the nursery window. There were only three babies in there and the nurses were holding one in a pink blanket as they put a wrist ID on her tiny arm. I felt my heart flutter as I looked at the baby.

She had a head full of black hair. I could tell already that she'd have my darker skin tone instead of Leah's more light one. She was small, smaller than the other two babies. My heart was swelling inside of me as I looked at her, trying to catch every detail that I could. All that I saw so far from me was the darker skin tone, she would definitely grow up to look as gorgeous as Leah was.

I had the urge to hold her, touch her, or simply just be near her. It was worse than anything I'd wanted before. I felt like I was physically hurting myself by not touching my daughter. I'd do anything to just hold her for a moment. I'd give anything to be able to be the father I wanted to be for her. She needed a dad, and it made me feel horrible to know I'd never get the chance to be one to my first born.

I was still standing there staring when I felt a different pull in my chest and looked around. Emily was coming down the hall to me, walking fast. "I'm sorry, I just saw your note. Which one is it?" She asked me grabbing my hand.

I pointed to the smallest one "That's my daughter." I said feeling a bit prideful even though I knew Leah wouldn't want me to be.

Emily smiled immediately as she leaned towards the window "She's adorable! What's her name? Is Leah okay too?"

I shrugged my shoulders carelessly "I don't know her name. Leah's okay I guess. She's still not cooperating though. She wouldn't let me near the baby once she had her."

"Sam, I'm sorry. I wouldn't have asked if…" she trailed off and hugged me tightly "I'm sorry. Maybe she'll let me hold her." she suggested.

"Maybe." I said with a sigh as the nurse left the nursery with the baby, obviously taking her back to Leah's room.

I didn't know what to do. I wanted to follow and see if she'd let me in the room again, on the other hand, if I did follow and she didn't want to let me in, a big scene would be caused. I went with my first option, public humiliation wouldn't be too bad. Emily walked hand in hand with me to Leah's room. Sue was headed inside and stopped to look at us.

"Oh, I thought you left." Sue said frowning slightly at Emily and then myself.

I shook my head and nodded towards the room "I'm still hoping to hold her. Just for a second. So is Emily."

Emily nodded quickly, tightening her hold on my hand "I promise that's all we want to do. Just see the baby. Please?"

Sue looked uncertain as she shifted her weight from foot to foot. A new scent was lingering around, almost like Leah's. I knew it was the baby and I was almost nuts from not going towards it. "Let me go see if its okay." she finally said. She opened the door and shut it behind her swiftly.

"Thanks for coming." I said suddenly, looking at Emily. "I know it must be hard for you to come to the birth of the baby of your cousin and your fiancé. "

Emily shrugged and smiled back at me "Its not a big deal. I just wish they'd quit treating you like a stranger instead of the father of the baby. As soon as you sign the birth certificate there's not much Leah can do about keeping you away."

The door opened, making me lean forward hopefully. Sue came out with an apologetic look "I'm sorry. Leah's not up for visitors right now though. She said she doesn't want to see anyone but me, Harry, and Seth for now."

A depressed emotion swept over me all at once. "But… I'm not a visitor.. I mean.. shouldn't I stay for the birth certificate and stuff like that?"

Emily spoke up beside me "If its me she doesn't want, I'll leave." she offered.

Sue shook her head "No its not you Emily honey. And Sam, I'm not sure about that. I don't know what Leah wants."

I frowned "Cant I go in for just a second and find out? Please?"

Emily let go of my hand "I'll wait in the room down the hall. Go." she said, motioning for me.

I knew what she wanted me to do. Just walk in and quit letting Leah call the shots. I looked at Sue who finally said "Fine but just for that. Don't bother her ok? She's exhausted enough."

I slid into the room without asking if it was okay again and saw Leah sitting up in the bed with a bundle propped up. There were a few papers beside her on the table. "I told you to go." she said angrily when her eyes caught me.

I stayed back, not even close enough to peek at the baby. "I know you did. I just thought.. Well shouldn't I sign those?" I said quietly motioning to her papers.

Leah gave me a hard, cold look "No you shouldn't. Those are for her parents to sign and I've already done that."

"But…." She cut me off before I could even finish.

Leah snapped "Go and leave me alone. I'm too tired to deal with you and _her. _"

I gave her a pleading look before I turned and left, my hands shoved in my pockets. I avoided meeting Seth or Harry's eyes when I passed them. I felt like a complete failure. I just wanted be there for my daughter and help Leah out with her however I could. It didn't seem like anything I would ever say or do would change her mind on it either.

I met Emily in the waiting room and took her hand and went home silently together. Even when I laid down that night, I kept picturing the tiny, dark haired, baby that I was dying to love.


	6. I hate you

**So I would like to say Im soo sorry for the swap of POV's in the last chapter. totally blocked out my little separater thingy. But, thanks everyone for reviewing! I loved hitting my goal that I'd set for myself. So now I'd like to make a deal with you guys.. If you get me 100 or more reviews, Ill post a bonus chapter that was supposed to be cut material. I know.. its bribery but if you want to see it, then review! The more reviews the quicker the update :D **

**Plot belongs to mediate89, Im just putting her idea into words for her. She's an awesome beta and so please, show her story some love with a review :P**

Chapter 6 I hate you

I smiled down at my daughter, looking into her dark eyes as she ate greedily from her bottle. We'd been home for two days, and in those two days, I loved her more and more every time I looked at her. It was like no matter how long I stared at her and touched her soft skin, I always found some wrinkle or some spot that I hadn't memorized just yet.

"Is she awake?" I heard my mom ask in the doorway.

I nodded and shifted carefully in the bed. "She's awake. The little piggy had to get up to eat didn't she?" I said cooing to her.

Mom laughed, leaning down to kiss her forehead. "She's precious. I love that outfit on her too. I never would have guessed your brother had good taste in dresses."

Seth had picked up a tiny white and lavender dresses for her with ruffles in it. I'd learned from the past two days to keep her dressed up in something cute but simple. Every family member I could think of had stopped in to take a peek at her. I'd been asleep for most of them thankfully. My mom had been great with helping me with the baby, letting me get some much needed rest. She'd shown me how to give her a bath, push all the air from the bottles, and pretty much every detail in how to take care of my tiny baby.

"I think I'm going to try and get up and move around a bit more today." I told her, moving the baby over my shoulder to burp. I rubbed her small back, inhaling the sweet baby scent.

Mom frowned at me. "Are you sure? I don't mind helping you Leah, not at all." She turned to grab me a diaper from the pack at the foot of the bed and passed it to me. "Shoot, we're almost out."

I laid her down on the bed, getting the wipes and changing her. "I'll be fine if you want to run and grab some."

"No, I'll just wait until your dad gets a lunch break and ask him to bring some over real quick. I don't want to leave you alone." She said watching me button the baby back up.

I looked up at her. "I'll be fine if you leave just for a few minutes. I know what I'm doing. I should get used to taking care of her alone anyways."

Mom looked torn between leaving, and staying. "What if you need something?"

"Then I'll get up and get it. I'm fixing to go into the living room anyways. I can't stay in bed much longer. We'll be fine. Besides, we need the diapers more than I need a baby sitter." I told her with a small smile.

She bit her bottom lip before straightening up. "Ok, I'll be right back though ok? Don't try and do anything too stressful while I'm gone."

I waved her off and got up slowly, carefully, from the bed and walked into the living room. The bouncer was already in there beside the couch, waiting. I laid the baby down into it, strapping her in to doze off again into her deep baby sleep. I sat down on the couch and flipped through the TV channels, looking for something good to watch. My day wasn't going to be an eventful one. Or at least that's what I thought before I heard a knock on the door and called out "Come in!" loudly.

I didn't even look up as the door opened up ."Hey.." I heard a deep, husky voice say.

My stomach turned into knots when I recognized it. "What do you want?" I said in a toneless voice.

"I just thought you could use some help.. I know its gonna be a while until you can move around and work and take care of the baby, so I thought I'd help out." Sam said moving closer to sit down beside me on the couch. "Here." He held out some rolled up money towards me .

I glared at his hand like it was a venomous snake. "I don't need your money Sam."

Sam sighed, stretching his arm out further to me "Take it Leah, please."

I reached over and jerked the bills from his hand and tossed them on the coffee table in front of me ."There. I took it."

His eyes were on the sleeping little girl in the pink bouncer. "She's so beautiful." he said quietly "What's her name?"

I wondered why I should tell him. It would just make things worse for him if he had a name to attach to the tiny wonder. "Hanna. Hanna Clearwater."

Sam repeated it softly "Hannah Clearwater." he frowned a bit as he said the last name. "So its been 3 days since you had her and I still haven't got to even touch her." he started.

I had no idea what had gotten into him. He was being un-Sam like to be so pushy about something. More importantly, why did he think he could ask for things? "Why wont you let me be her dad Lee-Lee? I want to so bad. I want to be there for her, help raise her, be there when she talks and walks for the first time. Help her learn to tie her shoes, teach her how to swim." He said reaching down and touching her small hand. "We can still be friends you know."

I eyed him, watching while he touched her cheek, staring intently at her. "No we cant Sam. I cant be your friend." I said quietly watching, his eyes looked up, meeting mine for a moment before they cut away again.

"I want to hold her." Sam said suddenly leaning down.

I sat up straighter. "No Sam, you said you'd leave us alone. You promised." I told him, wishing my mom would come home so he'd leave or at least have someone else here with us. "But you're good at breaking promises aren't you?"

Sam didn't say anything to me, his hands unbuckling the strap on the bouncer, carefully lifting Hanna from her seat as I felt a jolt of panic go through me. "Sam no, put her back. Give her to me." I pleaded as he cradled her in his large, muscled arms.

"No. Its been three days and I haven't held her. I want to hold my daughter." Sam replied, rubbing her back.

I moved closer to him on the couch as he started to shift her ."Hold her head. Don't forget to support her head Sam." I directed him, deciding if he insisted on holding her, I'd sit close to make sure he didn't hurt her.

"I'll get better." He said kissing the top of her head. "I'll learn."

I gave him a sharp look. "No you wont. You wont be around to learn. I don't want you around me."

Sam sighed, not looking like he was letting go of the baby anytime soon. "Why not? I know I've hurt you but please.."

I reached over and took Hanna from him, not having any further patience with Sam. "Because I cant have you around me. I cant let you into my life as my friend when I want you as.." I felt the tears forming, I knew admitting this would help though. I buckled her back in, letting the tears spill over. "When I want you as my fiancé, my boyfriend, my husband, my lover. I love you and you don't love me back." I cried, wiping at my cheeks. I'd been holding that in for months.

He was silent before he moved so quickly I wasn't even sure what he was doing until I felt his hand on my cheek and his lips on mine. I shut my eyes letting my guard down, melting against his body. I'd missed this, the way Sam could make me weak with just a kiss. I'd missed his scent, cedar and peppermint. I'd even missed the way his hands would touch my hair the way they were now.

I wasn't sure how long we sat there, entwined with each other before Sam jerked away from me. His hands fell from my hair, and he stood up quickly. "I have to go." he said abruptly ."I just.. I have to go."

I watched him start to go towards the door and yelled after him. "Just get out! Go and don't you dare come back!" I felt stupid for what I'd confessed just minutes and earlier and shot out "I hate you!" just as the door shut behind him.

I burst into tears as soon as I was sure he was gone. I let all my feelings for Sam just cry out of me. Luckily for me, Hanna was still asleep while I sobbed. Heart wrenching, gasping for breath sobs that continued until my mom came in carrying a few bags. I tried to muffle my cries when she came in but I couldn't do it. The emotions kept pouring out of me.

"Leah, what happened? Is Hanna ok? What's wrong?" Mom asked concerned, bending down and touching my shoulder lightly while I sobbed some more.

I shook my head at her. I couldn't let anyone know how stupid I'd just been. How stupid I felt especially. Sam wouldn't come back to me, he never would. He had Emily now, and he didn't want me. Sam would never love me the way that I loved him ever again. "N-n-nothing. Just.. Emotional." I managed to get out.

Mom hugged me and sat down beside me. "Calm down. I'm sure whatever happened will be okay." she rubbed my back soothingly in small circles. "Leah, where did that money come from?"

Oh shoot. I'd left Sam's stupid unwanted cash on the table. "I don't know." I whispered, hoping she'd drop the subject.

"Was Sam here? Is that why you're so upset?" Mom asked me, pulling back.

I nodded once covering my face up with my hands. I never cried like this in front of anyone. Not even when I was pregnant I didn't freak out like this. Sam still had an effect on me that could make me crumble.

"What did he do Leah? Did he yell at you?"

I shook my head no this time, wiping at my eyes with my hands now. "No I yelled at him." I said softly. "He kept talking and talking until he got the baby and… and.. Held her. Then he… he left because I yelled." I wouldn't admit to kissing Sam. Not to my mother. I'd admit it to Emily though.

Mom frowned, the corners of her lips turning down. "Did he come in right after I left?"

"Yes. As soon as your car was gone he showed up." I told her, wiping at my cheeks. Hanna was starting to move a little in her bouncer beside the couch. I reached down and unbuckled her, picking her up carefully. I could smell a hint of Sam's cologne on her.

Mom got up from the couch and headed towards the kitchen. "What did he have to say to you that he couldn't say while I was here?"

I kissed Hanna's soft cheek and stood up slowly with her in my arms. It still hurt to move a lot, but the only way I'd recover was if I moved around. "Nothing. I didn't listen to him. I wish he'd stay away from me and my daughter."

"He cant help it Leah, he wants to see her. I wont be surprised if he doesn't make up reasons to come over here now just to do it."

And he did. For the next 3 months Sam tried to find excuses to stop in and see my parents or Seth. Every time he showed up, I promptly stood up and went to my room with Hanna. I didn't even give him a chance to look at her, much less hold her.

Every time he showed up, envelopes kept appearing in places with my name on it. Once in my jacket pocket, the diaper bag, in a pile of Hanna's laundry. He'd even had the nerve to give one to Seth to give to me. The amount was always the same, two hundred dollars. I hated to keep it, but I would have hated having to face him to return it even more.

I didn't want Sam's help in supporting the baby. My dad had told me as long as I was finishing up school by home schooling, that I didn't need to worry about getting a job just yet. My parents were fine helping me until I could take care of us. But Sam felt other wise judging from his mysterious donations.

More shocking was that Seth seemed to be Hanna's favorite. When he got in from school, the first thing he did was pick up the baby and kiss her. Hanna was growing and growing more and more each day. She'd turned into a chubby little thing, looking much like Sam to my dismay. I'd hoped she'd look more like me.

Now at 4 months old, she was 11 lbs and 30 inches. Her adorable smile was enough to melt anyone's heart. Every time I took her somewhere, it never failed. People turned to look at her smile and coo at her. My dad was the worst one about spoiling her. He'd decided it was wrong to let her cry for anything, and would scoop her up and hold her most of the night when he got home.

Everything was going okay, for the most part. Until I got the visitor I never wanted to have one morning.

**Review!!!!!! **


	7. Bonus: Sam's Side of things

**Ok heres some cut stuff, its not much, just sam's view of the last chapter. It isnt perfect, but once again, this story is unbeta'd and it wont be perfect ever. But I do hope you enjoy it, and I thank you all very very much for all the lovely reviews I got last chapter and please remember to leave another one, and you just might get another update. :D**

I looked down at the sleeping baby, all dolled up in pink and felt my heart swell . "She's so beautiful." I said softly. "What's her name?"

"Hanna. Hanna Clearwater." Leah said, emphasizing the Clearwater. She knew it would upset me to hear that.

I wanted to tell Leah so bad that her name should have been Hanna Uley. She was my daughter. "Hanna Clearwater." I repeated, leaning a bit closer. "So its been 3 days since you had her and I still haven't got to even touch her."

"Why wont you let me be her dad Lee-Lee? I want to so bad. I want to be there for her, help raise her, be there when she talks and walks for the first time. Help her learn to tie her shoes, teach her how to swim." I said reaching down and touching her small hand with my large one. "We can still be friends you know."

"No we cant Sam. I cant be your friend." Leah told me quietly, the sadness in her voice making me feel the burden of her pain.

I looked up and met her eyes for a moment, feeling even worse when I looked into her eyes. Her beautiful dark eyes that were sad. "I want to hold her." I told her looking away.

Leah sat up a bit straighter "No Sam, you said you'd leave us alone. You promised." she gave me a hard look. "But you're good at breaking promises aren't you?"

I reached down and carefully undid the strap on the bouncer, lifting my tiny daughter up from it. "Sam no, put her back. Give her to me." Leah started, moving closer to me.

"No. Its been three days and I haven't held her. I want to hold my daughter." I told her, rubbing her back. I was breathing in a new mixture of mine and Leah's scents combined with baby lotion, and downy. She felt so fragile in my arms, I knew then, just from holding her this first time, that I would never give up on trying to be in her life.

"Hold her head. Don't forget to support her head Sam." Leah chided me, annoying me. I wouldn't let anything happen to Hanna.

"I'm fine. I'll learn everything." I told her, giving her a look while I kissed the top of her head. Maybe then she'd realize I had plans on being around.

"No you wont. You wont be around to learn. I don't want you around me."

Her words hurt me. I'd hurt Leah, I knew I did. I didn't like it anymore than she did though. I didn't like her resenting me. "Why not? I know I've hurt you but please.."

Leah reached over and took the baby from me, putting her back into the bouncer. I saw the tears glistening on her cheeks as she spoke. "Because I cant have you around me. I cant let you into my life as my friend when I want you as.." She paused as the tears finally broke through the dam she'd created. "When I want you as my fiancé, my boyfriend, my husband, my lover. I love you and you don't love me back."

Something inside of me snapped. Leah honestly thought I didn't love her. As much as I loved Emily, Leah would always be my first. Leah would always hold a part of me that Emily wouldn't. And I hated hearing her cry over me when I did still love her. I didn't think twice about what I was doing when I touched her cheek lightly with my finger tips. I looked into her eyes once before I pushed my mouth onto hers.

Kissing Leah was so intoxicating. Her lips were soft against mine, and her hair felt like silk in between my finger when I started running my hands through it. I missed her, and I missed the feel of her body against mine. I missed the way she smelled like jasmine. It reminded me of Emily's scent. Almost like… Emily. Suddenly Emily's image came into my mind and pulled me back to my senses. What the hell was I doing?

I jerked away from Leah, a panic coming over me. What the hell had I just done?

I stood up quickly, pulling myself from the embrace. "I have to go." I told her walking to the door. "I have to go." I took off.

"Just get out! Go and don't you dare come back!" Leah shouted after me, I could practically hear her heart breaking again. What hurt me the most was when she shouted "I hate you!" just as the door shut behind me.

I started walking home as soon as I left. I had been waiting in the woods for Sue to leave, so I could see Leah and the baby alone. I knew now that was a big big mistake. I couldn't be trusted around her. I felt the worst guilt I'd had in my life on my shoulders while I walked. I'd cheated on Emily. I'd cheated on Emily with her own cousin, and I'd promised over and over that I didn't want Leah. I honestly didn't deserve either of them. I'd cheated on each of them with the other at least once in my messed up life.

I kicked at the dirt and dead grass while I walked towards Emily's little house, another mile or two from Leah's. I knew without a doubt which of them I wanted. I knew which one was meant for me by fate. It wasn't Leah. And I didn't want Leah like that anymore. I wanted Emily and Emily only in that way. I loved Leah still, but I could never have what I had with Emily with her. I didn't want to try either. I could only hope that Emily wouldn't leave me after I told her what I'd done.

I neared the little house and felt my nerves jumping into my stomach. Today was supposed to have been a good day for me dammit. I'd ruined it by fucking up and kissing Leah. I opened the back door up and went in as quietly as I could. It wasn't quiet enough though. Emily heard me and came in from the living room.

"How'd it go?" She asked me moving to hug me.

I stepped back from her, not letting her hug me and sat down at the table. "Horrible." I sighed, knowing I was fixing to feel the wrath of the woman in front of me.

Emily frowned at me. "What do you mean horrible? Did you at least touch the baby?"

I nodded my head quickly. "I held her even. And kissed her, and she was adorable. Her names Hanna. Its perfect like her." I told her, with a small smile, forgetting for a moment about my mistake.

"What's so bad about that?" She asked confused, sitting down beside me.

I swallowed hard and looked away. "Because.. Because I kissed Leah too." I admitted. "I kissed her and I don't know why I did it and I know--" I stopped when Emily stood back up from the table.

I felt her pain and anguish in my own body when it hit her. "You kissed Leah." She said softly.

"It didn't mean anything though. Its not like kissing you." I told her, getting up. I reached out to pull her towards me and she shoved my chest back.

Emily looked up at me, hurt and tears in her eyes. "Do you want her? Now that she had the baby?" She asked.

I shook my head quickly. "No! I don't want Leah. I don't want her like that. Please don't cry. Please." I pleaded with her as the tears spilled over.

Emily let me hug her against my body, burying her head in my chest. "Maybe you should be with her. It would make everything easier with Hanna."

"No Emily no. I want to be with you. I just love her as the mother of my baby. Please don't think I don't want you or something." I whispered into her hair.

She sniffled a bit more, I was still feeling the imprint pain when she spoke again. "She cant keep doing that to you. I'm tired of seeing you so depressed and upset because you cant be involved with the baby's life."

"I know you are. But I just need to be patient for a while longer and I promise you that I'll never be unfaithful to you in any way or form again." I told her, rubbing her back in the embrace.

In reply, she kissed my jaw and we stood there, holding each other for a while. I thought everything was fine between us until Emily came from our room carrying a big pink gift bag. "Where you doing?" I asked her cautiously.

Emily pulled her jacket on, zipping it up. "To Leah's. I think its time we had a talk." She told me simply, picking the bag up again.

My heart plummeted as she walked out of the door going to her car. This would not be good. Not good at all.

**Review!!**


	8. The Worst type of visitors

**So I was really really happy with the reviews for the last chapter, Im so estatic that this story seems to be as well liked as it is. Anyways, Just a note to remind everyone that Im only the mere writer of this fic, plot is mediate's. So kudos goes to her for coming up with everything. And now... the story!**

Chapter 7 The worst type of visitors

I opened the door up slowly, balancing Hanna on my hip. I frowned when I saw who it was. Emily was standing there smiling back at me brightly. "Mom's not here. Neither is dad. You'll have to come back later." I told her and started to shut it again. Nice wasn't in my vocab these days.

Emily reached out and put her hand on the door, keeping it from closing. "Wait! I'm here to see you actually. And Hanna. I brought a present."

I rolled my eyes, not caring if she saw me. I stepped back and walked off towards the living room. "Come on then. Don't expect me to like, talk to you or something though. Only during the commercials."

I sat down on the couch and crossed my legs, settling Hanna beside me in a sitting position. 90210 was on and I wasn't missing it for her. I frowned when she placed the large pink bag in front of me. "Oh.. Thanks I guess. I told everyone I didn't want presents." I said pulling the tissue paper out of the bag. Whatever it was, I wasn't using anyways. I'd throw it away as soon as she left.

The bag contained several little outfits in different colors. A couple of baby toys and a card. I didn't open the card, I just put it back into the bag. "Thanks." I told her feeling uncomfortable. "So what do you want?"

Emily sighed and fidgeted, pushing her long black hair behind her ear. "To talk to you about Sam."

Anger flared inside of me. Who was she to think that she could come in here and talk to me about Sam? I fixed her with a menacing look. "I don't think that's such a good idea."

"Leah, please I just want to tell you how torn apart he is right now. He wants to be around Hanna so badly and you wont let him. He's just dying to help you with her." Emily started. "Sam wants to be a part of the baby's life and I think you're holding things he can't control against him."

I flipped the TV off and glared at her, my eyes blazing. I could feel the venom in my veins. "Things? Or you?" I snapped to her. "I'm not even discussing this with you. I don't want to hear about how hurt poor little Sam is. I don't care!"

Emily shifted in the spot she was sitting, meeting my eyes. "Maybe you should think about your daughter and not yourself."

I grabbed the bag from the floor and got up slinging it at her. "Get out of my house. Now. Take your stupid present with you. I don't want it and I don't want you trying to tell me what to do with my baby."

Emily shook her head as she got up and put her jacket on. "Leah, you won't listen to reason. Not from me or anyone. Maybe Hanna needs Sam. Just because he doesn't want to be with you doesn't mean he can't be a good dad. We could watch the baby when you work when she's bigger."

" 'WE'?! As in you and Sam? Watching MY baby?" I said, my voice rising louder. "Maybe when hell freezes over. And speaking of hell, get the hell of my house!"

Emily went to the door quickly. "I must have struck a nerve." she said under her breath. "This isn't the end of it. You can't keep him away forever." she warned as she walked down the path to the driveway.

I slammed the door behind her and went back to get a now crying Hanna. I cradled her small, warm body against me rocking her back and forth. "Shh… Shhh.. Its ok. Don't worry. Momma won't let that woman come close to you again." I whispered to her.

Hanna whined a bit more, her tiny hands grasping at my hair. "Maybe we should get out of the house for a bit." I told her, lifting her up over my shoulder. "Lets get you a fresh diaper and an itty bitty jacket on."

I got up from the couch and kicked the pink bag when I walked by it. There was no way in hell Hanna would ever wear or use anything inside of it. I didn't want anything Emily had picked out. I put on some decent looking clothes that weren't my pajamas and got Hanna dressed, placing her inside the stroller. A walk would do us both some good.

I grabbed a blanket and put it over her and made our way out the door. I didn't have a clue where we were going. We were just walking. We walked down the road to the few shops, going in a couple of them. Mrs. Call leaned down and cooed at Hanna, making her smile and giggle. Next was Old Quil's store. He was especially nice to us, giving Hanna a dollar for her piggy bank. She smiled wide at him, kicking her feet the whole time he spoke down to her. We stuck around there, visiting with Quil's mom until he came in.

I would have liked to have stayed in from the cold longer, but something was creeping me out from the way he stared at us. Like he knew something I didn't about Hanna. I gave him a sharp look and pushed the stroller past him. "Out of the way Ateara" I snapped when he started to hold the door open. "I don't need your help."

Hanna fell asleep a few feet later as I pushed her through down the street. I made a detour through the park, spotting Erica. I waved at her and walked towards her, her meeting me half ways. "Hey, long time no see." She greeted me peering down at the sleeping baby.

"I know right? I hardly have time for anything anymore other than homework, Hanna, and sleeping." I told her with a grin.

I stood out visiting with Erica for a while until I noticed it was starting to get darker and colder out and finally good bye. Our outing was coming to an end. It'd been nice to stretch my legs for a bit and get out of the confines of the house. Some days I felt like my butt was going to have a permanent imprint in the couch cushions. I headed back towards the house, adjusting the blanket around her again.

By the time I made it inside, it was completely dark out. Both my parents cars were in the driveway so I knew they were both inside and probably wondering where I'd been. I pushed open the back door and came in carrying Hanna in a bundle. "Where have you been?!" My mom exclaimed rushing towards us.

My dad looked up at me from the table. "I was wondering too. We came home and found no note or anything about where you two had gone off to."

I was already in a bad mood. Being treated like a baby wouldn't help it much. "I didn't know I had to tell you when we went somewhere."

Mom took Hanna from me and started unwrapping her. "Leah, her cheeks are cold. Ice cold. How long have you had her out in the weather? Its not a good idea to take a baby her age out like that."

I rolled my eyes at her and started fixing a bottle for her. "I think I know what I'm doing. I wrapped her up, we stopped in a few places and I'm not stupid."

"I think next time you want to go somewhere you should just ask for the car." Dad said sternly. "Unless you left because you were mad at a certain cousin of yours for stopping in."

I pulled Hanna back from my mom's arms and popped the bottle into her mouth. "I don't want to talk about her and I don't want to be told how stupid it is to leave the house. I'm not stupid and I think that I know if it's a good idea or not to go for a walk."

I shook my head, walking down the hall to my room. It was like I couldn't do anything right. Or go one day without being upset or depressed somehow. One measly walk couldn't hurt anything.

**************

I shook up the bottle of Tylenol and carefully got some into the syringe for Hanna. She had a small fever and was fussy, I felt bad for the poor thing as she cried and cried. I felt even worse when I put the medicine in her mouth and she coughed on it. I held her in my arms, rocking her back and forth in the chair in her room.

I was worried. I was really worried that my bright idea to take a walk two days ago wasn't such a great idea. I'd bundled her up, and tried to make sure she'd been warm enough and not in the cold, but it hadn't worked. Now my poor baby was sick and it made me feel terrible to know it was my fault. Hanna let out a small whimper and buried her face in my hair, her small hands clutching at my shirt as she tried to sleep.

It was only an hour away from my mom getting home, I hated to call her at work and I hated to call my dad. I wanted to take care of this on my own. I shut my eyes, rubbing Hanna's back as I tried to get her to go back to sleep. She hadn't ate much of anything all day either. No appetite and a fever. Even as a new mom I knew those two signs weren't good at all. I'd been doing my best to follow the directions on the Tylenol bottle for her, but it honestly didn't seem to be helping her much.

Hanna cried out, her hands flailing suddenly. "shh.. Momma knows you don't feel good. I know." I cooed to my baby, trying to comfort her.

She only cried more, making her feel even hotter and sweatier than she already was. She cried until I finally heard the front door shut. "Come on, let's go see if grandma can help us." I whispered to her, placing her over my shoulder.

"What's wrong with Hanna?" Mom asked, moving around the kitchen.

I sighed and walked over to her, standing beside her so she could get a look at the crying infant. "She's had a fever and I can't get it to go down. And she won't eat." I told her.

Mom reached over and took Hanna from me, feeling her forehead and then her stomach. "Go get the baby thermometer." She instructed me. "Shh Hanna, grammas' here now. She'll make you feel better."

I scurried off down the hall to the nursery again and retrieved the thermometer and rushed back into the kitchen. "It was 100 earlier." I told her, helping her hold Hanna still while we placed it under her tiny arm.

"Why didn't you call me at work if she was sick Leah?" Mom asked me, shaking her head.

I gave her a look. "Because I had it under control. I was giving her medicine like the box said to, and I wanted to try to take care of my baby on my own."

The beep on the thermometer stopped our argument from going any further. Mom looked at it and then a look of worry came over her face. "Go get her diaper bag, hurry. Its up to 103. We're going to have to take her to Forks."

I felt panic as I grabbed diapers and extra clothes frantically and stuffed them into the bag. I was a mess, I hadn't showered or changed from my pajamas. I didn't stop to even think about changing clothes though. "I'm ready." I said rushing back out. She had Hanna strapped into her car seat already, and covered with three blankets.

Once I had the seat strapped in and secured, mom took off to Forks at a break neck speed. She'd left a scribbled note for dad, saying where we'd went to and that we'd call and let them know something as soon as we knew. My nerves were dancing around in the pit of my stomach once we get out and were registering in the emergency room.

I sat down with Hanna's small frame over my shoulder trying to comfort her. She kept fussing and crying until we were finally called to an examination room. I got up and looked at my mom, motioning for her to come too. Mom started talking as soon as the door shut on the room, naming off Hanna's fever, not eating, fussy, and coughing every so often to the nurse as symptoms. I felt like the nurse and then the doctor once he came in, were looking at Hanna and thinking "Poor baby, she's sick and her mom is totally oblivious to it because she's so selfish."

It made me feel torn apart when they start an IV in her small arm, saying she was going to be dehydrated if they didn't. The final diagnosis was pneumonia. A bad case of it. "I'm so sorry Hanna. Its all momma's fault, I shouldn't have kept you out for so long." I whispered to her, touching her forehead. Her fever had read a shocking 105 when we got here.

"No you shouldn't have." Mom said pacing around the room. "I hope her fever drops." she said worriedly, looking at the hospital crib.

The doctor had explained since her fever was so high, if it didn't start dropping ASAP, it would be reaching dangerous territory. They'd given her two different fever reducers and now we were waiting for them to work along with the first dose of an antibiotic. Hanna was in bad shape because of me. "I should have called you earlier when she was sick." I said quietly to my mom from my spot in the chair beside the hospital crib.

Mom sighed. "Lets just hope she gets better quick. I don't like seeing her hooked up to an IV like this."

Neither did I. For the next day I sat there beside her though, not leaving her once. I didn't leave to eat, sleep, or shower. I wanted to make sure nothing happened to Hanna if I left, so I simply wasn't leaving. My dad and Seth stopped in and out after work and school, checking on. They all kept telling me the same thing, its not your fault. But it was my fault. I'd kept her out all day long in the cold, then I didn't know how to take care of when she first started getting sick and had been too stubborn to ask someone who knew what to do.

I was finally defeated in my plan to never leave the hospital until Hanna did when my mom came in on her lunch break. "Leah, why don't you go get a shower and eat?"

I gave her a look as I finished changing Hanna's diaper. "No."

Mom started moving around the room, straightening up a bit. "I'll stay right here with her. You haven't left since we got here. You can come right back when you get done."

I did feel kind of grotty. My hair felt greasy and I was still in my pajamas. I wasn't hungry due to my nerves being on edge. "Okay. But don't leave her. Not for a moment ok?" I agreed reluctantly.

She waved me off and sat down in the chair I'd been holding up. "Go on. I brought you some clothes in that bag. The cafeteria is down the hall and to the right."

I leaned down and kissed Hanna's forehead one last time before I left. I'd shower and grab something quick to eat. I'd pack a some snacks to bring back with me. Hopefully she wouldn't have to stay but another day or two. Dr. Moran said that Hanna was too weak for me to take home at the moment but she was slowly getting better and once she saw an improvement in her eating. She still wasn't nursing nearly enough but a little was better than nothing at all.

I showered and ate in record time, grabbing a few bags of chips to take back with me for later. I wasn't especially hungry but I had to eat for Hanna to be able to keep eating. I glanced down at my watch, I'd been gone for 45 minutes. Time to head back. My mother instincts were kicking in strongly while she was sick and I needed to be in there near her. I rounded the corner and heard the deep voice whispering as soon as I neared the room.

Sam was leaned over the crib, touching Hanna's hand with his finger tips. "I know you don't feel good Hanna, but you will soon. Just keep in there ok?" he whispered. He leaned down and kissed her forehead, angering me.

"What are you doing?" I asked angrily, tossing my bag on the floor. "Get back."

To my surprise, Sam looked angry when his eyes looked up and met mine. "You didn't even tell me she was sick Leah." He growled lowly.

"It wasn't your business to know or care about." I snapped back now placing myself beside the crib, trying to get him to move back.

Sam didn't budge. He held his ground giving me a harsh look. "Not my business to know or care? She's my daughter Leah! I do care if she's sick and in the hospital. What if something had happened to her? I wouldn't have known because you're being selfish!"

I flinched slightly when he raised voice and shivered. Sam wasn't going to scare me, not when I was trying to look over my sick, vulnerable daughter. "Get the hell out of here! No one wants you here so go." I felt the rage shake my body slightly, but I didn't back down when Sam clenched his jaw.

"You BOTH need to calm down." A voice cut through the air. Dr. Moran and my mom were rushing into the room, obviously hearing us argue from outside in the hall.

Mom shook her head at me and touched my arm lightly. "Leah, stop it. Sam's not hurting anything by being here."

I rolled my eyes at her and moved from her touch. "I don't want him here. He needs to leave. And why did you leave him in here anyways?"

"Because he's her father and he wouldn't hurt her for anything in this world. That's why." She said curtly a flash of fire in her black eyes.

I cut my eyes back at Sam who still hadn't moved his ground. "Did you tell him she was here?" I asked acidly already aware of the answer.

Mom sucked in her breath before she replied. "Yes I did Leah. He had a right to know. You've got to quit being so selfish. Hanna's his baby too, not just yours."

I felt hot angry tears fall down my cheeks. "You traitor! You know I don't want him involved and you keep pushing him closer and closer. Just keep out of it!"

Dr. Moran held a hand up. "I think you all need to calm down this instant, or leave. All three of you. You can't argue and fight in here."

I glared at them both and threw myself into the chair beside the bed. I didn't speak to my mom again until we left when Hanna was discharged 3 days later. Sam stayed camped out in the waiting room 24/7 it seemed, never leaving. I knew he was sneaking peeks at Hanna while I was asleep, I just had no clue as to how he was doing it so quietly that it didn't wake me. When we left, he left, following us as we put her in the car. His eyes stayed fixed on her through the window until we drove off, me still scowling at him.

**Please review!! Please! :D**


	9. Happy Birthday

**a/n--First.... Thanks soo much for reviewing last chapter :D I got a ton of reviews for it and I loved each and every one of them. Im sorry it took a couple days longer than usual to get this chapter, I got kind of sick so I wasnt able to focus much on writing. But here it is now, and I hope you like and remember to review! **

**Also, I wrote a chapter for a story called Geez! Calm down Paul! as a round robin with yay4shanghai, its under her name and you guys should go check it out. **

**Remember, the plot and outline is Mediates, wording and all that jazz is only mine. So with that said... Read!!**

Chapter 8 Happy Birthday

I walked up and down the aisles in the toy store, frowning at everything I saw. Nothing seemed good enough for Hanna. I wanted to give her something special. As far as I could tell, these toys would hold up a month or two of Hanna tossing them around.

I wanted something that she'd look back on and think, "Hey my dad gave me this when I turned one". I stopped in front of the cards, deciding I'd make whatever it was I wanted to give to Hanna. I flipped through card, after card, after card. I finally settled on a first birthday one, blank in the inside completely, complete with bunnies on the front. I'd heard and saw for myself that Hanna loved bunnies and carried a stuffed one around with her.

Leah hadn't invited me to the birthday party this weekend, but Sue and Harry had. It was an important birthday, her first, and I didn't want to miss out on it even if there was a chance I'd be thrown out. It was hard to believe that the tiny baby had grown into a toddler so fast. After Hanna had gotten out of the hospital 6 months ago, Leah still hadn't let me around much. I still made my attempts at visiting though. I didn't want my daughter to think I'd completely deserted her when she was a baby.

I'd put extra money in the envelope I'd snuck Leah's diaper bag for Hanna, knowing that it was her birthday and Leah didn't have much. I wanted Hanna's birthday to be a good one, everything perfect and in place. I headed out of the store, walking down the sidewalk towards the end of the street where I'd parked. When I walked by the hardware store, it hit me. I'd make Hanna a rocking chair, a bite size one, and paint it pink. Harry said she was always wanting him to rock her in his recliner, so why not get her her own rocker?

I headed into the store, my brain storm in full swing as I started getting the things I needed, complete with a pail of pink paint to put on it when I was done. I had only a day and a half to get it together. I headed out of the store, feeling a rush of adrenaline, loading everything in the back of the truck , heading home to get started.

I pulled into the dirt driveway, hopping out quickly. In a matter of minutes I had my boards and other things unloaded and in the small shed outback. I started sawing, sanding, bolting, measuring, everything I could to make it perfect. I lost track of how long I was outside working until Emily came outside carrying a plate and a bottle of water. "Hey you." I called out as she came closer. I felt the tug in my chest and couldn't help but grin at her.

Emily smiled back and sat the plate down on the work bench. "I figured you were hungry." She said, sitting down on the tail gate of the truck.

"Yeah, I am. I hated to take a break to eat though." I explained, motioning at my project.

Emily looked over the boards. "For Hanna?" she asked with a smile.

I nodded. biting into the sandwich she'd brought out. "Yeah, I didn't want to buy something." I said between mouthfuls of food. The quicker I ate, the sooner I could get back to work.

"So I don't think I should go tomorrow ." Emily started, looking down at her hands. "I don't want to cause an even bigger scene than what you're going to cause."

I wanted Emily to go. I wanted nothing more than to have both my imprint and my daughter around me. I couldn't imagine anything happier than that feeling combined. "Its up to you." I said swallowing and opening the bottle of water. "I thought you already bought a present?"

Emily shrugged and looked up at me, meeting my eyes. I felt my heart flutter for a moment. "I did, I kind of thought I could just send it with you."

Times like this, I honestly felt nothing but anger at Leah. Emily having to shun herself to make her cousin happy. I could see Leah's side to everything, I really could, but it wasn't fair to anyone. She was pushing everyone way from her just because she couldn't deal with having me too close to her. I'd made it worse with that damn kiss that day. I'd did it out of remorse and a sudden urge of emotion though, not because I wanted her more than I wanted Emily.

"If that's what you want to do, then fine." I told her, picking up a few nails. "I should have this ready to be painted sometime tonight. I'm staying out here until its done."

Emily didn't try to change my mind on it, she just gave me a quick kiss before heading back inside the house. I stayed outside working until I picked up my last piece of wood, the piece I needed to cut the seat out of, and ruined it by under sizing it. "Shit." I muttered kicking it hard with my foot and making it hit the side of the shed. I felt my pocket for my keys and headed off for my second trip into the hardware store .

I knew I'd make fifty trips back and forth though, as long as it was Hanna. There wasn't much I wouldn't do for her. Our relationship was almost non existent, but I still had the protective, paternal nature hovering. I pulled into the parking lot and got out, whistling while I walked down the sidewalk. I slowed down when I passed the small grocery store, I could use some sort of a bow for it I realized and ducked in. I walked the aisles, not caring that I was sweaty and covered in saw dust.

I paused at a display, looking at it. Big bags of animal crackers with pink frosting. Hanna's favorite snack. I smiled to myself and grabbed a bag off the shelf. She could eat the crackers right off, the rocking chair was the boring part that she might not like right now, but she'd love the animal crackers. I prowled a few minutes longer until I found an assortment of bows and grabbed two of them and a gift bag. The bag was for the crackers, a waste in all honestly since I knew she'd want to open them as soon as I gave them to her.

I left and went into the hardware store, feeling a bit sheepish when I asked for another sheet of wood. It took only a minute to get and I was back on the road headed home. I hadn't even bothered to tell Emily I was leaving, she'd figure it out if she looked for me. I drove with the radio off and the windows down, letting my thoughts run with the cool wind. My daughter was already a year old, which meant, almost two years without Leah.

Once I was back at home I pulled out the piece of wood and this time, double checked my measurements. Time was running short, the party was tomorrow afternoon. I got it put together in record time, then started sanding out any imperfections I saw. Everything had to be just right. I put two coats of the pink paint on it, wanting it to be as bright as it could be. I personally thought Hanna looked cute in purple, but Leah liked pink.

It was pitch black before I went inside the house, paint splashed on my shirt and jeans and staining my dark skin. "I thought you were sleeping out there." Emily joked, getting up from the couch to fix me a plate of the food she'd cooked.

"I got it all finished." I said proudly, standing at the sink and scrubbing my hands and forearms down. "It looks good, or at least I think so." I boasted.

Emily giggled. "She's not going to sit in it and the bottom fall out is she?"

I rolled my eyes, drying my hands off on a dish towel. "Gee, thanks for the confidence in my carpentry. It won't fall apart and its probably the best thing I've ever made."

She turned and kissed me on the cheek, slipping past me to put the plate down. "If you say so. Let's just hope Leah doesn't use it for firewood."

I sat down at the table and grabbed the fork, stabbing at the meat. "I don't see why you two can't get along. It'd make everything easier." I said sighing.

"I tried." She said quickly in defense.

I gave her a look. Emily had tried all right, she'd tried so hard that all she'd accomplished was further pissing off Leah. "Next time use a different method." I advised.

Emily didn't say anything back to me. I didn't think she would. Months had passed and I was still a little bit upset with the replay of the conversation with Leah that she'd given. She'd been… too harsh to say the least. I finished off dinner and headed off to get a shower. I'd ran patrol earlier in the morning, Paul and Jared were on tonight so that was another thing out of the way. I had to face something worse than a leech tomorrow. I had to face Leah.

I was excited and nervous all balled into one bundle. Excited because I got to see Hanna today. Nervous because I wasn't sure if I'd be thrown out or not. I had a feeling I could go unnoticed for at least twenty minutes, so I'd take advantage of it completely. I glanced at the clock, party time.

I got the keys and gave Emily a quick kiss bye before I grabbed the presents and headed off to the Clearwater's house. Emily had put her present in a bag and left the tag blank. I'd put a bow on the chair, and then fixed my bag of animal crackers up with tissue paper and a bow on the gift bag.

I pulled into the driveway, there were at least 9 other cars here. Hanna had a good turn out for her first party I noted, getting out and getting the chair and the bags down. I walked slowly towards the house, knocking lightly and then opening the door. The house had been taken over by pink. Pink streamers, pink balloons, Happy First Birthday banners were everywhere. Kids were running around, chasing each other through the house.

"Hey Sam. I'm glad you made it." Harry's voice said to my left.

I turned, grinning at him. "I wouldn't miss it."

Sue waved, walking out with a platter of cupcakes that were decorated to look like bunnies. She put the tray down on the table beside the bunny cake. "Glad you came. The birthday girl is around here somewhere." She said with a smile, turning around to go back into the kitchen for more trays.

Seth was sitting on the couch, grinning as always. He was sitting at the end, watching the kids antagonize each other by fighting over toys. "Hey man."

I nodded to him, the typical guy nod for what's up, and sat down beside him. "How's it going?"

Seth shrugged, leaning back into the cushions. "Good now. Hanna was pitching a screaming fit earlier. She's been in kind of a bad mood all day."

_Speaking of the little grouch _I thought to myself when I saw Hanna's little body teetering over to me. Her steps were small and shaky. She'd only started to toddle two weeks ago and was still falling down a lot. I felt my mouth turn up into a grin when I laid eyes on her. She was dressed in a light pink dress with a matching headband. Cute as ever.

Hanna's eyes fell on me, a small grin creeping over her features. I saw it as the same grin Leah got at times and it made me smile even broader. I stretched my arms out towards her, trying to get her to come towards me. Hanna turned her face from me, giggling. "Come here Hanna." I cooed at her. She giggled some more and gave me a another grin, teetering a bit closer. I leaned closer to get her and she squealed and jumped back, falling down.

Seth laughed and nudged me. "I think she likes you dude."

I flashed him a smile, overjoyed knowing that Hanna seemed to like me. We didn't have much time to really bond so the fact that she would even seem to like me, was mind blowing. Hanna got up from the carpet, the ladies near by all baby talking to her, asking her if she was ok. She had a grouchy look on her face until she looked back at me, another grin forming. This time when I held out my arms, she came straight at me, walking as fast as her short, shaky, chubby legs would carry her.

"Hanna." I said in a friendly voice scooping her into my arms. "Is it your birthday?" I asked her, tickling her a little bit. She giggled louder, twisting in my arms. I held her up and tugged her dress back into place, straightening her back out from her tumble. She finally crawled back down from me, taking off towards the toy box in the corner. She bent down, looking comical when she leaned over, the bow on the headband the only thing visible for a minute. She stood back up, carrying a doll in her arms.

I sat up a bit more, sitting on the edge of the couch, not paying attention to anyone else. Hanna toddled over and handed me the doll smiling before she took off at a quick pace to the back of the couch. She crouched down behind it, watching me. I laughed a little bit, pretending to play with the doll. Anything to make her happy and see her smile again.

Hanna's eyes were fixed on me as she came closer, holding her arms out towards me. My eyes flashed over to Seth for a split second, just to make sure I wasn't imagining this and then held me arms out to her to hold on to while she took a few more shaky steps. "Hey Hanna." I said softly.

Hanna grabbed onto my knees, steadying herself. She whined and started to pull herself into my lap. I reached down and picked her up, my heart ready to burst inside of me from the sheer joy I was feeling right now. Hanna touched my face with her small fingers, making baby talk at me. "Happy Birthday sweetheart." I whispered to her, holding her carefully in my arms.

Hanna settled in against me, playing with the collar of my t-shirt. I kissed the top of her head and wrapped my arms around her small body. I hadn't held her since she was a newborn. "Sam." Seth said suddenly.

I looked up from memorizing Hanna's features and was faced with a death glare from Leah. "Come on Hanna, lets go look at the presents." she said.

"But she likes me." I protested when Leah started to pull Hanna away from me. Hanna let out a whimper and clung onto my neck for life, not showing any signs of letting go. "Leah, let go of her." I said, holding onto the baby's back.

Leah's eyes flashed at me. "No you let go of her. And why are you here anyway? I didn't invite you."

I was aware of all of the eyes on us. Really aware. "Because someone did invite me even if it wasn't you. Believe it or not, I did want to come to my daughters birthday party."

"Leah," I heard Sue say calmly. "I invited Sam and he's not hurting a fly by being here. If Hanna wants Sam to hold her, then let him hold her."

Leah frowned at me, and then made an exasperated sound. "Fine. But just the party then you leave."

I nodded quickly, I wasn't about to argue with that condition. I'd settle for the party. It looked like Hanna liked me, so I could only hope that Leah would see this as a sign to let me come around more often. "Promise." I said a grin coming across my face again when Hanna hugged me with her small arms.

"All right. Now that's taken care of. How about bringing the birthday girl into the kitchen for cake and ice cream?" Harry said from the doorway. " I don't think I can last much longer."

Everyone laughed, the tension leaving the room immediately. I got up carrying Hanna into the kitchen like Harry had asked and reluctantly handed her over to Leah to put in the high chair. Our arms brushed for a moment and we both jerked away, glaring a little bit. Leah's glare was from hate, mine was from the guilt of even touching her. Leah strapped her in and brought the tiny baby sized cake out and sat it down on the tray as we all sang Happy Birthday.

It only took one finger in the icing for her to realize what she was supposed to do. She grabbed two handfuls of the cake and stuffed her hands in her mouth, sucking the icing and cake off of them. Next, was to get two more handfuls and rub the cake into her hair while she giggled and the cameras around me flashed. I laughed along with them when Hanna pressed her face into the destroyed cake.

Sue started passing out the bunny cupcakes, handing me two of them with a smile. Leah scooped Hanna up and held her out away from her. "Just me clean her up and we'll be back." She said, heading down the hall to the bathroom.

The party went on with us talking and laughing until Leah came back with a cleaned up baby. She sat Hanna down on the floor in front of the presents, sitting down beside her as everyone gathered closer to see her open them up. I leaned in the doorway, watching from a distance while she tore into the first box. She opened up toys, clothes, cartoons, and gift certificates until she got to my present.

Leah's eyes shot towards me for a brief period before she took the card off of the back of the chair where I'd taped it on carefully. "To Hanna, From Sam." she said with a satisfied look at the ending.

Hanna was reaching into the bag that was in the seat of the chair, dragging out the bag of animal crackers already. She whined tapping Leah to get her attention. "Hanna, you just had cake." Leah said shaking her head. Leah picked up the bag to put with the other presents, earning a shriek from Hanna in the process.

Leah sighed and opened up the bag of crackers, handing her a handful of them. "There you go." she said crumpling the top of the bag back down.

I knew Hanna would want them right away. It didn't matter if she'd eaten or not once she saw those animal crackers. She munched on them happily, opening the last few presents she had left, sitting in the rocker the entire time. I felt a little bit egotistical knowing that she was using my presents first, not someone else's. It was an even bigger confidence boost when the conversation between all of the males turned to me, asking if I'd made it.

Little by little, the guests started to drift away. I hung back for a bit, talking to Seth and Harry so I'd get to spend as much time as possible with Hanna before I got thrown out by Leah. I was leaning over the kitchen counter when I felt something brush against my legs and looked down. Hanna was looking up at me, her big black eyes wide. She had her stuffed bunny in her arms, a smile on her face. The baby jabber started up again when she held the bunny to me.

"No that's your bunny." I told her, gently pushing her hands back down. "Yours."

She frowned at me and stomped her tiny feet on the floor. I crouched down so that I was at her level. "You'll miss him." I told her touching her chubby cheeks with the back of my hand.

Hanna pushed the bunny at me again, forcing it into my hand. "She never gives that thing up." Harry commented. "Its her favorite."

Seth nodded in agreement. "She doesn't even like it when Leah takes it away to wash it once a week. She screams for it."

So Hanna wanted me to have her prized bunny. She wouldn't even let Leah touch it. I smirked to myself. Score one Sam, down one Leah I thought to myself. I made the bunny kiss her on the nose, laughing when she giggled. Every little sound she made warmed me and made me laugh or smile with her. If she was happy, I was happy. "Here you go. Take him back ok? I'll play with him next time." I told her.

Hanna frowned again, taking the bunny from me. "Did you like the animal crackers?" I asked her, pulling her onto my knee. "You ate half the bag." I joked, knowing she couldn't answer but I still talked nonetheless.

"I should get going." I sighed, not wanting to. Everyone was gone now. "Will you remember me next time?" I asked her, holding onto her still.

Leah came in, carrying a trash bag full of wrapping paper and gift bags. "Hanna, tell Sam good bye. Its nap time."

That was my hint to go that I'd been waiting for. "Ok I can take a hint." I said rolling my eyes at Leah. I turned back to Hanna. "I'll be back though. I love you." I whispered lowly into her ear. I kissed her on the forehead before I let go of her and stood up. "I'll see you guys later." I told everyone else with a wave, letting myself out.

*****

Later that night while I was at home and sitting around before I had patrol was when it really started to bug me. After spending time with Hanna at the party and seeing what I was missing out on, it made me depressed in a way I couldn't put into words. I wanted so badly to be near her, to hear her giggle again like she'd done today. Every time she'd smiled, I'd smiled. It wasn't my fault I couldn't be closer to her and be a father to her, but I wanted to. I'd wanted to since she was born. Now that I'd had a taste of what it should be like, I felt even worse than ever about the crazy situation.

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	10. Fur Real

**Hey guys! Sorry this chapter took so long. We had to re organize and re group it, it took a bit to get a few snags worked out. I really liked this chapter, so hopefully you guys will too. Once again, I do apologize. Check out my other fics also.. :P Thanks for all the review I think I replied to everyone, but if I didnt, Im sorry and ill get ya this time!**

**Outline/plot belongs to Mediate.. actual writing is mine.. its kind of a half and half thing? Lol **

Chapter 10 Fur Real?

I glanced behind me at Hanna who was following close behind me. "What's a matter pumpkin?" I asked her smiling.

Hanna gave me a sweet chubby cheeked smile in return and jabbered. "Mama, cookie." she said pointing at the kitchen cabinets.

I laughed and leaned up and got down a box of graham crackers and handed her one of them, taking one for myself. "I should have known you wanted something." I told her, ruffling her dark hair.

At two years old, Hanna looked so much like Sam. Every time I looked into her dark eyes I saw his, only framed with my lashes. Her black hair was straight and I was letting it grow out long. She was the cutest toddler any of us had ever seen. And she was full of energy. It only took twenty minutes of playing with her to wear out even me or Seth, who she loved and called "Unca" in a sweet voice.

Hanna walked off back into the living room, nibbling on the edges of her cracker, looking quite pleased with herself. "Little beggar." I said shaking my head and getting what I'd been looking for.

"I'm home" Seth sang out, coming in and dropping his backpack on the kitchen floor. He was 15 and a freshman this year.

I hadn't went back to school. I'd opted to get my ged instead, deciding I didn't want to be away from Hanna all day and then not being able to spend the entire with her because of homework. I'd been extremely lucky in not having to get a job yet either. I didn't want to work until she started kindergarten at least. I depended more on Sam's money than I liked to admit to myself, but it meant I didn't have to rely on my parents for Hanna's things.

"Good. You can watch Hanna while I start supper." I told him, handing him a sippy cup from the fridge.

Seth shrugged and took it from me, grabbing a bag of chips off the counter when he passed by. He towered me easily by at least 6 inches now. "Sure. We're over due for color contest anyways." He headed into the living room and I could hear Hanna's happy shrieks when she spotted her Uncle Seth.

I started supper, humming while I did it. Dad came in a while later, looking tired. Now days he always looked tired though. "Hey Dad." I said stopping to hug him.

"Hey Lee. Where's the princess at?" He asked in a loud voice, waiting. It only took a split second for Hanna to recognize his voice.

Hanna came barreling into the kitchen at a run, her arms already out stretched. Her hair flew wild behind her like a cape. "Up! Up!" she commanded. "Pap" she said happily, hugging Dad's neck tightly when he lifted her into his arms. I smiled when he kissed her cheeks, smothering her in kisses.

"Come on Hanna-Banana, let's go see if Blue's Clue's is on yet while your mama finishes up in here." He told her, balancing her in one arm and carrying her off.

By the time dinner was over, I noticed again how worn out and honestly sick Dad was. Mom kept reminding him over and over to take his medicine until he finally did. It was no secret that he'd been to the doctor and been on a few medications for his heart. Nothing to worry about though, according to both Mom and Dad. I didn't think much of it until Dad stayed home from his weekend fishing trip.

Seth was on spring break, meaning he was at home the entire week and driving me crazy. My nerves were on edge as it was. I kept getting headaches from the over powering scents of cleaners I used, and then I felt flushed and hot. My body hurt and I honestly felt horrible. Mom had taken Hanna upstairs to take a nap with her to give me a break. I took some Tylenol, blaming the whole mess on the flu. Seth looked like he didn't feel so great himself either.

"Seth! Come pick up your shoes off the kitchen floor!" I yelled, feeling irritatble. I'd just mopped in there this morning.

Seth grumbled coming into the kitchen. "Why couldn't you do it?" he muttered grabbing the filthy sneakers.

"Because I'm not a damn maid that's why." I retorted back. I grabbed the dish rag to finish off the last of the dishes. "You could help more around here."

Seth ignored me, flashing me a dirty look which was something very uncommon for him and left the kitchen. My skin stayed prickling with anger for the next few minutes until I was done cleaning. Everything seemed to anger me now days. I'd been edgy and sick for two weeks. I got a bag of chips and padded off into the living room, just nodding to my Dad from his spot in the recliner. He looked as sick as I felt.

I plopped down on the loveseat and grabbed a throw from the back of it. "Turn it, I don't like this show." I ordered Seth.

He turned up the volume and ignored me. What really did it was him reaching over and grabbing the chips from me and stuffing a handful of them into his mouth. "Fine. I'll turn it." I snapped and snatched the chips back from him.

Seth stuffed the remote in his shirt, his eyes turning a hard black when they looked at me. "Get away." he growled.

I felt a shiver in my back at the tone of his voice. "Give it to me" I commanded reaching again.

Seth slapped my hands away, snarling. Then it happened.

The shiver shook my entire body and I felt my limbs catch fire. I was tossed on the floor from the convulsion, squeezing my eyes shut. I had no idea what the hell was happening to me. Something bad was wrong with me. I opened my mouth to scream but all I heard was a loud howling sound. Within seconds I felt something slam into me, the same howling coming from it.

Instinctively my eyes flew open. A sandy brown wolf was snarling at me angrily, baring its teeth. Without thinking, I snarled back, my lips curling over my teeth. I charged at it, pushing the wolf around. We were wrestling in the living room destroying everything. I didn't care. I wanted to win. "What's happening? Who are you?" I heard Seth's voice saying. I stopped dead in my tracks, cocking my head to the side. It was then I realized my worst nightmare.

I had a tail. And four legs instead of two. And fur. Tons of grey fur covered my entire body. "Seth is that you?? I asked cautiously, a whining sound from my throat.

"Seth? Leah? Where are you?" Another voice cut in.

My peripheral vision changed suddenly and I saw my dad cowering in the corner breathing heavily. "Sue!" He yelled hoarsely just as Mom came in frantically.

"Harry! What happened?! Seth?! Leah?! Oh no.. not my kids… not my family.." mom burst out, tears streaming down her dark coppery cheeks.

Dad moved towards us slowly, still breathing hard. "Help me get them out. Then call Sam. We need him here."

At the mention of Sam another loud snarl erupted from my muzzle and the hair on my back stood straight up. "Leah, its Jared. We're on the way." A voice in my mind said.

Was I insane? I was finally driven crazy, that must be it. Why else would I think I was a wolf and that I could hear Jared Uma's voice in my mind?

"You're not crazy Leah. I can hear you too. What's happening to Dad?!" Came Seth's panicked voice.

My eyes were trained onto my father who was being forced to sit down by mom as he held onto his shoulder. His face was turning red and he was gasping. "Seth call someone!" I shouted, pacing back and forth.

"I cant! I don't have hands. Oh man.. Oh man.." Seth's thoughts panicked.

I was aware of other voices in our minds but I wasn't paying attention. I was in a state of disarray. I didn't know what to do. My dad was having a heart attack in front of me and I couldn't do anything to help because I was losing my mind or in a bad dream. The Seth wolf was jumping around, side to side howling loudly. Mom was on the phone talking animatedly to the 911 operator and helping Dad as best she could while we freaked out.

"Leah, get out in the woods." A voice said above the rest. It was like I couldn't help but do what the voice told me to. "Be careful and hurry up. Don't let anyone else see you." The voice was familiar. Strangely familiar. "Seth, you get out too. I'm waiting for you."

I trotted out the open door, following the sounds and scents of other wolves. They smelled strangely comforting. "Comforting?" A voice snorted loudly. "I don't want to comfort you." It was another familiar voice.

"Paul?' I thought aloud with horror. Was Paul Levya in my mind?

The Paul voice laughed loudly along with a couple of others. "Leah, calm down." The second voice told me. I could sense Seth behind me just a few yards back.

Oh no. Oh no oh no oh no. I felt the hair on my back standing up again. Snarls forming in my throat. I recognized that voice. "Sam, what the hell kind of sick joke is this? I want to be with my Dad. I want to go back."

Seth seconded my words, a low howl coming from him. "I think I'm in a dream."

That's when I saw them. They terrified me. I forgot all about being worried for my father when I saw the pack of wolves waiting just in the skirts of the trees. They were huge and they were scary. The biggest one was black and had hard dark eyes that were exactly like Sam's. The voices in my head got stronger now when they saw me.

"Sam! Why is she a wolf?"

"Dude, she cant be a wolf. She's a she.!"

"What the hell?"

I realized which one was Sam. The black one that was eyeing me like he hated the fact that he was seeing me. The same hatred fueled from behind my eyes. Memories flashed when our eyes met. Sam leaning over and kissing me for the first time, Sam's eyes lighting up when he saw Hanna right after I had her. And the worst one from both our points of view, when we broke up. The pain and emotion of it made me wince slightly and then glare up at Sam. The memories that hit me from him made me feel a moment of remorse.

Sam was honestly hurting and upset by the situation with Hanna. He loved her, and he loved me. But he loved someone else too. And I felt like an intruder when Emily's scarred cheek showed in my mind. "Stop it." I snapped. "I don't want to see her."

"You better get used to it." Jared said nudging me with his muzzle. He was a brown color, with a few spots here and there.

The mental anguish was hitting me in waves of paranoia. I didn't like any of this. What happened to me? What was happening with my dad? What about Hanna?

I didn't get to check on any of my family besides Seth for a while. . I knew from the rest of the pack as I learned they were called, that my dad didn't make it. They'd elected Jake to tell me the news. . I couldn't calm myself enough to let my body phase back after hearing that. It wasn't possible. Seth was able after a while but as soon as he heard about dad, he phased back and was stuck just like I was. I was stuck in those horrible cursed body for who knows how long?

"Leah, its not so bad." Embry's lazy voice filled my ears.

"You shut the hell up. Until you have to share your thoughts with your ex boyfriend, I don't want to hear its not so bad." I growled back.

I was in a bad mood. I made sure every last one of these idiots knew it too. I knew they wished I'd hurry up and phase back get out of their way but I couldn't do it. Every time Sam phased back it angered me so badly to see his perfect Emily in his mind that I shook with rage. It was embarrassing to admit to all of them that I still loved him. It was even more embarrassing when it was clear he definitely didn't return the feelings. I hadn't even slept since I phased, being way too keyed up for that.

I wanted my baby. I wanted to see Hanna. I wanted to hold her and make sure she was okay. Mom was too busy to watch over her with Dad in the hospital I knew. But there was no one else to keep her since Seth was stuck in the same situation as I was.

"Actually…" Sam's voice came into my mind cautiously. Mentally he showed Emily holding Hanna, smiling down at her, taking care of her. "Maybe it would be better if Emily watched her."

I snarled loudly, my hackles raising. "Hell will freeze over first before she touches my daughter."

Sam rolled his wolf eyes at me. "It would help your mom out Lee-lee." he tried again, using his calm demeanor that I never knew he possessed until now.

Hearing him say that nickname. Lee-Lee. It was his old name for me when we were together. What made him think he could use it now? He didn't want me anymore. He shouldn't even care what happened to my daughter, she was mine. There was no way his new… new.. Mate, I called her for lack of a better word, would take care of her. I was supposed to the Alpha's mate, not her. Growls and snarls only kept coming through me while my thoughts were put out for all to hear.

Sam held my gaze, frowning at me for a moment before the human Sam appeared before me. I had no idea how he did it, but he could control his thoughts from us and I knew whatever he'd just been thinking was something I wanted to hear. I didn't turn my head away from him when he reached down to untie his cut offs from his ankle. I'd seen Sam naked plenty of times, why should it be any different now?

"Calm her down." Sam told Embry. "She has a funeral to go to tomorrow, and I wont let her miss it even if she has to go like that."

It took the rest of the day, and part of the next morning to calm me down enough. Phasing back was weirdly calming and serene. Embry was the one that had finally talked me into it. He'd started talking about what it was like when we were all kids. Thinking about the old memories made me feel happy enough to let loose of the anger I had. Phasing back was also… touchy.

The ground was cool and wet underneath my skin. My skin. Oh no. "Don't. You. Dare. Look." I ordered Embry who was still in his wolf. I didn't have any clothes. I didn't have the first stitch and I had no idea who else was around. I hunched over trying to cover myself up as best I could while I looked around hopefully for something to cover myself up with. No such luck.

"Here." The deep baritone voice said from behind me. "I brought you these. I felt you phase."

I turned, hunched over still and snatched the shirt and sweats that Sam offered to me. "Couldn't you have at least brought me my own clothes?" I grumbled. "Turn around."

Sam snorted loudly and turned, carefully avoiding looking while I dressed. "Embry, you can go now. Thanks. Try to get some rest ok?"

I wrinkled my nose at the smell of what I recognized as Emily. Lavender, sugar, and Sam's cologne all mixed into one. "I'm going now."

Sam whirled around then. "Wait. I want to talk while its just us."

I backed away, shaking my head at him. "I don't. I don't want to talk with just us. I don't want to talk to you. I don't want any part of this."

"But it chose you. You have to be a part of the pack." Sam told me, shaking his head.

"I don't want to be a wolf. I don't want to be around you. I don't want to see you and I don't want to see Emily in your mind. I don't want to deal with this!" I shouted taking off at a full run. My new super human speed came in handy. I didn't look back to see if Sam was following after me either. I hoped he wasn't.

I didn't see him until the funeral later that day. I had Hanna in my arms, holding her against my chest. I was too emotional to cry, as was my mom. Instead we both put on the same hard, strained faces. I wasn't going to let everyone see me breakdown in public. I had too much to cry over this time.

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	11. Bonus: The Night of my life

**A/N-- Hey guys, sorry this took like two months to for making you wait so long for an update! We've decided to give you this bonus chapter as an apology. Its a very memorable night for both Sam and Leah, and one of the last they spent together before they broke up. Enjoy! , I kind of dragged around on getting it completed but hey, better late than never right? Anyways, I think you guys will like this chapter or I hope you do anyways. thanks so so very much for all of the reviews last chapter and for all your kind words :D its much appreciated. Now onto the story!**

**Reminder-- Just smile is Mediate's story, her outline, with me just doing the writing and putting this idea into words so dont forget about her. **

Bonus Chapter---FlashBack

The night of my life

I grabbed my duffel bag from the floor and stuffed in a pullover, stretching the bag to its limits. I was packing more than what I probably needed for 2 nights in the great outdoors, but you couldn't be over prepared. I stuffed in my hairbrush and zipped it up, forcing the blue material to close shut. "Leah? Did you need any help?" Mom asked standing in the doorway.

I sighed and looked down at my bag. "If you mean with packing, No. If you mean with Sam, Yes."

Mom smiled at my sympathetically. She knew all about my problems with Sam. We'd been dating since I was a freshman, crazy about each other, but the past couple of months weren't exactly great for us. Sam had disappeared for two weeks straight without a word to anyone including me. Now that he was back, he refused to tell me where he'd been, what had happened, any little detail. It hurt to know that he had something he was keeping from me. Whatever the secret was, it was still in his life. I knew it was because he was constantly leaving at night, disappearing, or always tired.

I loved Sam though, and I wanted things to work. I thought at first that maybe he was seeing someone else, but after confronting him with that option, I believed him when he said he wasn't. I felt like I was the only one making the effort to salvage our relationship. Sam didn't try to change any of the things we were fighting about, he just tried to do a better job of hiding them.

"I'm sure this trip will help things." Mom said hugging me.

I hugged her back releasing her when I heard the doorbell. "That's him." I said grabbing the bag quickly.

I hurried down the hallway. I could hear my Dad and Sam talking in low voices. As soon as I stepped into the living room, they quieted instantly. "Gee don't mind. Just walking in my own house." I said pointedly. That had been happening a lot. Sam and my Dad acting secretive and paranoid.

Sam gave me an apologetic grin, his features brightening up his face. "Don't be mad already Lee." He said reaching over and taking my bag. "We haven't even left the house yet."

I gave him a dirty look, my bad mood was melting away a tiny bit. He hugged me with one arm, kissing me on the forehead. "Don't push it today. You have to spend a weekend in the woods with me. The bears will be the least of your worries."

Dad laughed, chuckling a bit. "You better watch yourself Sam. She means business." he warned.

Sam opened the door, holding it for me. "I think I can handle her. If not well, I could always feed her to one of those bears." he joked.

I made a face at him walking out past him towards his truck. "Bye Mom, Dad. If I don't come back, well, you know who to blame." I waved bye to them getting in the passenger side.

Sam tossed the bag in the back of the bed where he'd put a tent, sleeping bags, and his bag of necessities. He got in and we were on our way. He reached over and turned the radio off, grabbing my hand. "So I'm going to take us up to a spot in the park." he said his deep voice sounding velvety to my ears.

I squeezed his hand. "Wherever you want to go. As long as I'm with you, I don't care."

He rubbed his thumb along the back of my hand in a pattern. "Just remembering the rule. No fighting. Not even an argument." he reminded me of the rules we'd agreed on.

I could remember a time when we never fought. Now even watching TV together was an issue. "Don't worry. I wont fight if you wont." I promised.

We drove to the national park, parking at the gates. Sam got out coming around to open the door for me. "I'll carry this stuff if you just take our overnight bags." He said passing them to me.

I slung one over each shoulder, watching as he easily lifted the test of the stuff. "Lead the way." I said following him up the trail.

Sam walked at a slow stride, I still had to rush to keep up with his long legs as he walked. "So, its been a while since we went camping." he said glancing over his shoulder at me.

"Its been a while since you've had time to take me camping." I remarked and instantly felt bad about it.

Sam ignored my dig and kept on talking. "I think its good for us to be completely alone. Its been a while since that too." he said pointedly.

It had been a while since we were alone intimately. After his big disappearance, Sam didn't want me to touch him and when I did, he told me he didn't feel good and got shaky. "Too long." I said quietly still trailing after him. "So um, next weekend is my birthday. You're still coming to the party right?"

"Why wouldn't I?" Sam said smirking at me as he stopped into a spot.

I looked around the area he'd chosen to camp at. It was secluded but not so much that there were too many trees to put the tent up at. A black spot in the earth told us that someone else had camped here before. "Lately I don't ever know when your plans might change."

He'd bailed out on a few dates with me. 5 to be exact. It was kind of damaging for my ego. "Don't worry. I've pushed my calendar clear just for you Lee." Sam said dropping the tents and the rest of the stuff he'd carried.

I laid the bags down and helped him untie the bundle that held the tent in it. "Good. I'm expecting a major birthday surprise." I told him with a smile, showing him I wasn't mad at him.

Sam leaned over and kissed me swiftly before he stood up his full height, looking like he'd grown a few inches. "Now, you go start a fire and leave the manly work to me." he joked.

He didn't have to tell me twice. The last time I'd put up the tent, it'd fallen down around us while we were asleep. I grabbed his bag and plundered until I found a lighter and then walked around the skirts of our campsite for spare wood pieces that had fallen from trees nearby. After 20 minutes, I had a small fire and was sitting on the grass, my hands propping me up watching Sam as he finished the tent up. He moved gracefully, like he couldn't make a wrong move and was sure of himself.

"Stop looking at me like that." Sam ordered turning around to give me a look.

I laughed, playing innocent. "Like what?" I asked cluelessly.

"Like I'm a piece of meat or something. Or an animal in a cage you're looking at from behind a glass." He said coming to sit beside me on the grass.

I giggled some more, leaning into his side. His body was warm in the cool air, I snuggled into him. I loved the way he smelled, a perfect mix of everything just screamed Sam that I couldn't place. "Sorry. I was just observing." I told him, rubbing my cheek against the soft blue fabric of the shirt he had on. "Aren't you cold?"

Sam shrugged and tossed an arm over my shoulders, holding me. "Not really. I'm comfortable, just right." he kissed the top of my head, touching my hair lightly with his fingers. He loved to toy with my hair, fingering the long locks.

"So what were you and my dad whispering about before we left?" I asked him, turning my chin up to look up him.

Sam's facial appearance had changed along with his height. His face looked harder, the cheekbones looked stronger along with his jaw line. His eyes even looked darker if that were possible. He looked aged, older than his young 19 years. "We weren't whispering." he said defensively. "We were just talking."

They were always just talking. Just like they were hiding something. "Sure. I see how it is then." I sighed, moving from his cuddle and sitting across the fire from him instead. "How are we supposed to make this work if you keep secrets from me? I tell you everything."

Sam sighed and didn't say anything for a few minutes. When he did, he spoke in a low voice. "I'm not keeping secrets from you to hurt you Leah. I'm just.. Going through something I can't talk to you about. Your dads helping me is all. I've told you that before." He poked the fire with a long stick, stirring the flames as the sun started to set in the background.

I pulled my knees up to my chest, and rested my chin on them. "I could help you if you told me." I said lowly.

Sam looked up, his eyes meeting mine and melting my bad mood again like he always did with that look only he could give me. It read nothing but love and adoration. "I love you Lee-Lee, but I think I need to do this one on my own for a while."

I wasn't happy with it, but I was tired of arguing with him. "I love you too Sam." I said as he got up and came over to other side with me, hugging me and then tilting my head so that he could kiss me.

I shut my eyes, drinking in the feeling of his warm lips against mine. Sam's kisses were soft, softer than you would think they were when you first looked at him, and slow. I felt my body started to lean into his again, wanting to be closer. He pulled away for a brief moment. "Come on." he said, getting up and pulling me with him.

I let him pull me off into the tent, zipping the tent shut behind us with both zippers. I kicked my boots off and settled on top of my sleeping bag as he pulled me back towards him again. I laid back, letting him get on top of me while our lips caressed each others. I shut my eyes when his mouth traveled down to my neck, kissing then sucking a little bit. A low moan escaped me when he bit down on my ear lobe. "Mmmmmm." I murmured, letting my fingers tug at his short black locks.

Sam pulled back, watching me as he lifted his shirt off, revealing a body I hadn't saw in months. A washboard stomach, muscles rippling down to the top of his jeans. A perfect set of abs, perfect biceps, all covered in tanned skin. It was like looking at a statue of Adonis. I sat up and raised my arms, letting him pull my sweater off. He leaned forwards and reached behind me unhooking my bra and tossed it to the side. I leaned in, resting on my knees now, and kissed him letting my hands run up and down, feeling his body. "You are amazing." I breathed into his mouth. "Your body is… different. But I like it."

Sam chuckled through our kiss, reaching his own hands between us to undo my jeans, my hands doing the same to his. We separated again, long enough to kick off the last few articles of clothing that remained on our bodies. As soon as they were gone and forgotten, we were back in each others arms, kissing, licking, and biting. I pressed myself against him, grinding my hips against his own. More than anything, I loved the way our skin felt pressed against each others like this. I kissed down jaw, moving back to bite his bottom lip. "Hold on Leah." Sam whispered, kissing me back, his tongue running across my lips.

He moved back, grabbing the jeans he'd just kicked off to the side and grab his wallet. I watched as he rifled through it, getting a condom . I watched him, watching him roll it over himself.

" Sorry.. " Sam apologized looking aggravated with himself as he ruffled his short hair.

"Its okay. ."

Sam moved back to me, looking anxious. "I don't want you to think I asked you to come camping just to have sex."

I laid down, tugging him to get on top of me. "I want to. I want you." I told him, rubbing the muscles on his stomach again. How could I not want him after looking at his body like this?

Sam didn't argue anymore. He moved on top of me, kissing me, our tongues fighting with each others. I raised my hips, wanting him. He pulled back hovering over me, holding his weight off of me with a hand on either side of my head. I felt him pushing into me little by little and tensed, instinctively spreading my thighs wider. "Ughhh.." I moaned finally feeling his full length inside of me.

Sam lowered himself a bit more, pressing against my body as he started to move in a slow rhythm. It felt amazing but different than the other times. Something about him was different in the intimate sense. I held onto his back, more moans escaping me as he picked up the pace. "Uhh.. Keep going." I whined, raising one leg and bending it at the knee.

I moved my hips, grinding opposite of his thrusts intensifying everything. "You're so good at that." Sam groaned obviously loving the friction.

Sweats was pouring off of me, I was burning up. Sam's skin was starting to practically burn against mine. "Harder." I murmured digging my nails into his skin hard.

Sam pushed into me harder, gasps and louder moans from both of us. I felt myself starting to peak and feel waves of pleasure when he hit the right spot over and over. "Oh!" I whimpered, arching and breathing heavily. Sam followed moments later, which was great since I was sweltering. "Sam, I'm burning up." I panted.

He pulled out of me, catching his own breath and backed off as I fanned myself. "You're like a human furnace or something." I complained. I was sweating bullets. I grabbed his shirt and wiped at myself.

"Sorry. Hold on I'll open the tent up a little bit." Sam said kissing me hard.

I held the shirt in front of myself, just in case someone happened to be in the area, and shut my eyes, letting the cool air hit me when he undid the flap. He started to roll the condom off and grabbed his shirt back from me, wiping at himself. He frowned a bit , biting down on his lower lip.

"What's wrong?" I asked fanning at myself with the back of my hand.

Sam gave me a quick smile. "Nothing." he said leaning over and kissing me.

I cooled down, dressing in the sweats and long sleeved shirt I'd brought to sleep in. Sam threw on cut offs like a crazy person would in the cold night air. We didn't even bother to leave the tent to eat that night. We just laid down in the sleeping bags, cuddled up to each other. Everything went well for us when we got home, no arguments, no secrets, nothing bad between us until Sam showed up for my birthday the next weekend. That was the weekend he was taken from me by my own flesh and blood.

Weeks later, I discovered I would always have a memento from this camping trip, but I didn't regret it one bit once I held Hanna in my arms.


End file.
